I couldn't sleep tonight, and when trying to get myself to sleep, I started crying, yet again. There are these times every so often where I just cry myself dry, until there are no more tears left to cry. Better to get it out than keeping it in, but what if you cant get all your feelings out?
So Ive decided to write this, since I don't get sleepy until about 3 am, and its just about 1am now.
Tonight, this pit in my stomach wouldn't go away. I knew that I had to go visit my Dad's family some time, but I was hoping it wouldn't be any time this summer. To have to see my family's house in India, without my dad lying on his bed watching TV with all his belongings spread all over the bed ... well, just thinking about it makes me tear.
For the past three and half years (almost 4 this September) my dad spent his time in that house, not being able to leave, not being able to eat, not being able to do anything he wanted. He became a part of that house, and quite frankly, that house is nothing to me without him.
I kept remembering the last time I spoke to him. Saturday, 19th January 2008. I was the last person to speak to him, from the family any way. I felt honored, proud, that he spoke to me last. But I keep remembering his shaking hands holding mine saying "Darling, I cant walk anymore. Im weak" and I kept replying "Its okay Dada, you will be fine, just another week or so and you will be out, and Ill be waiting for you."
I didn't know what else to say to him. What else could you say to the once strongest person you knew who was bed ridden and being fed with a drip? Anyway, it was an improvement from the night before, where all I did when I saw him was cry.
I cried and cried.
And unfortunately, I still keep doing that. And I don't really see any end to it...
At one point, I thought I had cried so much, that my eyes were a desert, with no more water, no more tears.
Im going to try and go to sleep but now, I feel like, the tears wont stop. God, please stop flooding my eyes. If you are listening, stop doing this to me - does anyone deserve this?
God, please stop. I beg you.
So Ive decided to write this, since I don't get sleepy until about 3 am, and its just about 1am now.
Tonight, this pit in my stomach wouldn't go away. I knew that I had to go visit my Dad's family some time, but I was hoping it wouldn't be any time this summer. To have to see my family's house in India, without my dad lying on his bed watching TV with all his belongings spread all over the bed ... well, just thinking about it makes me tear.
For the past three and half years (almost 4 this September) my dad spent his time in that house, not being able to leave, not being able to eat, not being able to do anything he wanted. He became a part of that house, and quite frankly, that house is nothing to me without him.
I kept remembering the last time I spoke to him. Saturday, 19th January 2008. I was the last person to speak to him, from the family any way. I felt honored, proud, that he spoke to me last. But I keep remembering his shaking hands holding mine saying "Darling, I cant walk anymore. Im weak" and I kept replying "Its okay Dada, you will be fine, just another week or so and you will be out, and Ill be waiting for you."
I didn't know what else to say to him. What else could you say to the once strongest person you knew who was bed ridden and being fed with a drip? Anyway, it was an improvement from the night before, where all I did when I saw him was cry.
I cried and cried.
And unfortunately, I still keep doing that. And I don't really see any end to it...
At one point, I thought I had cried so much, that my eyes were a desert, with no more water, no more tears.
Im going to try and go to sleep but now, I feel like, the tears wont stop. God, please stop flooding my eyes. If you are listening, stop doing this to me - does anyone deserve this?
God, please stop. I beg you.
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