So, Im in India, back home. And jeeeesaaas; its weird. I dont know, there was a huge mixture of feelings completely. So, before coming on the plane, I was nervous, and I really didnt want to come back. Then in the aircraft, I started crying, and I felt like a prat, but I was so scared of seeing my family again- I just didnt want to see them sad you know?
But then I arrived in my small Indian home town, saw all my family. And it was actually fun, because all the family is back, including my 5 year old cousin, there was so much to keep me busy, that I wasnt feeling all that bad. Actually I was happy being back. Being with my family made me feel closer to Dada, and that was a great feeling.
But then, today... It was completely hit me. Not having Dada around the house any more just made me feel empty. There is so much noise in the house, but yet, its so quiet... no one can fill the space that my Dad was in. I mean, he was just such a powering figure, and towards the end he always kept everyone in the house busy, because he needed constant attention due to his illness.
The weird thing is, we all laugh a lot. A lot more than we used to. But I think thats just to fill the sadness. And then after laughing and talking for ages there is always this killing silence and none of say anything because we know that the other is thinking about him. He loved laughing, he loved life, and now I guess we all have regrets.
One of my biggest regrets is that we never had the time that we deserved. As father and daughter we never got a proper chance together, which we should have. We were just beginning to get close last summer, and we never got another time where we could be the same. And I remember the night before I was leaving, last summer, he cried. He cried a lot, because he didnt know how he would be the same. And that no one would look after him like I did. It breaks my heart to think of it now.
There will always be this emptiness inside of me. Always. A large hole that eventually will start filling up with other people and things, but there will always be this small part of my soul which is going to be empty. Inside me, is an emptiness that will never fade.
But then I arrived in my small Indian home town, saw all my family. And it was actually fun, because all the family is back, including my 5 year old cousin, there was so much to keep me busy, that I wasnt feeling all that bad. Actually I was happy being back. Being with my family made me feel closer to Dada, and that was a great feeling.
But then, today... It was completely hit me. Not having Dada around the house any more just made me feel empty. There is so much noise in the house, but yet, its so quiet... no one can fill the space that my Dad was in. I mean, he was just such a powering figure, and towards the end he always kept everyone in the house busy, because he needed constant attention due to his illness.
The weird thing is, we all laugh a lot. A lot more than we used to. But I think thats just to fill the sadness. And then after laughing and talking for ages there is always this killing silence and none of say anything because we know that the other is thinking about him. He loved laughing, he loved life, and now I guess we all have regrets.
One of my biggest regrets is that we never had the time that we deserved. As father and daughter we never got a proper chance together, which we should have. We were just beginning to get close last summer, and we never got another time where we could be the same. And I remember the night before I was leaving, last summer, he cried. He cried a lot, because he didnt know how he would be the same. And that no one would look after him like I did. It breaks my heart to think of it now.
There will always be this emptiness inside of me. Always. A large hole that eventually will start filling up with other people and things, but there will always be this small part of my soul which is going to be empty. Inside me, is an emptiness that will never fade.
1 comment:
Darlin, I hope you feel better soon :( I think you coming back to Kerela is all part of the healing process. It's part of the getting over and getting used to. Ily :* And it will be fine, hopefully sooner than later :) <3
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