The Melodies of a Girl

I've been away for a while now.

2010-06-11T17:22:00.002+03:00

Wow, I haven't written in AGES. Almost a year.

The last post I made was concerning something I felt strongly about - or rather someone I felt very strongly about.

Ever since meeting this particular someone, I think I can say that my life has changed - permanently. I don't think I'll be the same person again.

So the last 6 months have been hectic.

I've been trying to juggle my exams, school work, my family, my music and my boyfriend have been tough.

I'm not sure how I'm coping.

As much as I care about my boyfriend, I know that there's just a bit too much going on in my life right now.

I have no clue what to do.

HELP ME.

Say it, Feel it, Do it, but only if you Mean It - Part 1. Friday

2009-12-17T13:51:00.005+03:00

The last two weeks have been something of a whirlwind.
Again, it was so unexpected.

We decided to meet up. Not so unexpectedly, we have been planning it meet up at the local Rugby club and Bar for a few weeks.

Initially, yes, though we were still close, it was slightly awkward. But as the night went on, we got closer and closer together. The night started as it would with most friends, talking, laughing a bit, just being in eachother's presence. There was something about the night, it just felt brilliant.

It was a chilly night, and the cool drinks weren't really helping as well. December, anywhere in the northern hemisphere was cold. My hands were freezing cold, and I pointed this out to him. Ofcourse, he was used to this weather, having lived the majority of his life in England. There he was, sitting next to me, in a loose cotton shirt and jeans, while I wore a top with a cardigan, and fully covering shoes and yet, the cold was still getting to me.

I was beginning to feel a little chilly, and he put his arm around me, very casually. He was as warm as a furnace. I snuggled up to him, pointing out that he was very warm, and he hugged me, holding me close, alarmed at how cold I actually was. At that moment, I was beginning to think that I rather liked this - I liked the way it felt to be in his arms.

Later on that night, somehow we had reached the position where he was holding me me, arms around my waist, hands resting on the small of my back, with my arms around his neck and we stood there like that for a while, occasionally having long periods in which we would stare into each other's eyes or faces and smile. We would lean outwards to talk and giggle about something stupid that had happened the night before, or I would just place my head inbetween his neck and shoulder, and he put his face in my hair, and we would stand in silence. He would occasionally stroke my back, or run one of his hands down my arms, and before I knew it, we were locking hands, playing with each other's fingertips.

He brought his hand upto my face, and placed some of the loose strands of hair that were in my face behind my ear, stroking my cheeks in the process. He made me feel as though I was the only girl in the world that mattered. Almost as though I was so beautiful that nothing else could compare - but all the time, I had to be reminding myself that all of it meant nothing.

He were standing close together, and he kissed my forhead. It was so subtle, so small, that at first I wasn't sure he had done it. He was so tall, that even when I was standing as straight as possible, my forhead would reach his mouth. It was quite possible that he accidentally brushed my temples. But he hadnt - because he kissed me again on the forhead.

When my head nuzzled into his neck once again, he whispered in my ear "You're beautiful you know that?"

Not knowing what to say, I replied with a cheeky wink and saying "Hahaha, you're so full of rubbish. I bet you say that to all the girls you know".

He then went on to say "No, I don't actually. I'm serious."

"Oh you're so full of crap." I stated, while shaking my head with an disbelieving smile.

He defended himself by saying "I'm telling the truth. I don't lie. You're brilliant, and amazing, and beautiful, and kind, and one of the most awesome people I know."

I would have said some scathing comment in reply, but the way he said it, the manner in which he said it - I knew it was different. I knew he was different. THere was something else about him which made him unlike any other guy I had known in the past.

I think this was the night, I knew that he was something else.

He Makes me feel alive

2009-12-03T23:44:00.000+03:00

I sure as hell didn't sign up for this a month ago, when I was auditioning for the concert. I sure as hell didn't ask for this. And I sure as hell didn't expect to feel like this.

But I do.
And I blame him.

All he has to do, is to touch me, hug me, hold me and he makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the room that matters. Like I'm the world, and no matter what idiotic things I say, he will be there, by my side.

I can't beleive I've met someone like him.
It seems too good to be true.

So much to blog, So much time.

2009-08-30T10:37:00.002+03:00

Okayokay.
I should have quite a bit of time over the next few days, so I want to blog about a few things.

-Top x number of things to see in London
- Italian Boys
- Just Boys. :P
- Conservatoire Experience
- Being in London

Things to Do
- Email Katy
- Email Sam
- Wall Charlotte

So there we go.
Lots of time for gossip too.
But the short and the short of it.. is that I LOVE LONDON.

Forgive me.

2009-08-12T19:22:00.002+03:00

My apologies.

My apologies, D. I was young, innocent, and naive of the situation.
Had I known, or even had the slightest idea of what was about to happen, I would have taken back the harsh words, delivered words of love and kindness and been there when you needed me most. I was idiotic, always selfish, still am, and lacked understanding of how you felt - so caught up in my own feelings. And for that, forgive me.

My apologies A. You were there for me, in the time that I needed it the most, in my times of weakness. I used to feel so close around you, and I knew you would be there. But in recent times, I have closed my self up, into a box, because I know that if you saw even a glimpse of how I really felt, you would feel sorry for me straight away, and I didn't want pity. I neglected you as a friend, and for that, I ask you to forgive me.

My Apologies S. You were also there for me, and always level headed. But You may have had your faults, and I underestimated your person. I never felt I could open upto you, but in fact you were porbbaly the one person I should have opened up to. I have not been fair to you as a friend, and I want to apologise.

Lastly, My Apologies to M. You have sacrificed almost everything for me, looked after me, and have been my support all through. There is nothing you would not do for me, and I do not think I will EVER appreciate enough what you have done for me. You give yourself selflessly, while I act almost always selfishly, taking advantage of you at every possible moment, acting uncaringly, even though you don't deserve it. You deserve the world, but I have never give you anything and for that, please, please Forgive me.

But for this, I can not apologise: I can not apologise for the why I felt like the way I did. D, I was young - we can't take back time. A - you made me question if I could trust you, with your ever undulating attitudes, and S, you were never open with me. M, you always allowed me to get away with it.

No matter. I apologise For feeling the way I did, and not being able to change.

The Ashes - Edgbaston

2009-08-02T19:01:00.002+03:00

I've always been quite interested in cricket, but particularily interested in the English Cricket Team, and their tours.

If you are a girl, and like cricket, watch England playing cricket in the Ashes series. Or if you are a guy too, and want to watch classly cricket, then watch the Ashes series.
The cricketers are absolutely heavenly. Yum, Yum Yum.

The England cricketers to watch out for: Andrew Flintoff, Jimmy Anderson, Stuart Broad, Alistair Cook, and maybe even Graeme Onions.
(All of the others are a bit yuck. But still. 4/11 players are pretty good statistics).
Then Austrailia has: Bret Lee, Mitchell Johnson, Shane Watson.

Many people, especially girls, aren't really interested in cricket anymore, especially Test cricket and in a sense, is probably a dying sport.
But I really think its an under-rated sport (except in India and Pakistan where the sport is over-rated).
Often in the West, it is considered a "public-school " sport, and cricket is being played less and less in the West, especially with the popularity of other sport, such as rugby and football.
I know in South America, the sport of practically unheard of, with some of my South American friends never having watched cricket before.

With 20/20 in the bag, Cricket is taking a little more of a spike in the sporting ratings, but Test cricket is loosing its once present "Oomph" about it, due to the generally slow pace of the game, spanning over 5 days, and I think the Ashes series is a great way to regain the popularity of this particular branch of cricket.

The Ashes are great to watch, and as a cricket nut, (and a girl), I'm loving watching England versus Austrailia, while the way the players are "sledging" eachother on the crease.
Sledging is when players abuse eachother on the field, and man, I can feel the field getting hot.
Especially when some of the players are all so good looking.
It's all so manly. Yum.

The End of a Storm

2009-07-29T01:50:00.004+03:00

I wrote this poem at about 2.00 am in the morning. I felt creative. See if it makes sense to you. If it does, well, I'm glad, because at least I reached out to someone. I'm not a poetic person, so this is slightly unusual for me.

How the storm within seas are raging
The flurry of emotion calling,
The tempests of fury are blasting;
The sea is forever deceasing.

But yet like the phoenix, Rising,
The sea is constantly yearning,
And from it's resurrecting,
The life left behind moves in passing.

The sea's soul is endlessly twisting,
It's is left ever wondering,
What life holds, what is left impending,
Uncertainty, leaves it's heart racing.

Chaos impales it, leaves it writhing
What to be, to say, to be feeling,
The drowned sea keeps ceaselessly searching,
For things, which end it's boundless grieving

How the storm within me is raging,
My flurry of emotion calling,
My tempest of fury is blasting,
But the calm, the sunshine after the storm: That is what is worth the fighting.

Technical Stuff:
9 syllables a line, 4 lines in each Stanza.
Each line ends with the suffix "ing".
This (hopefully) should give the poem a sense of continuity, and hopefully movement.
THIS POEM BY WALT WHITMAN was what gave me inspiration for my poem.

Well here is what it is about (Sort of):

The sea is emotion, and the soul of a person.
I'm trying to express that people are often conflicted inside, and often have their own personal battles or "storm's" to face.

But the last line says it all for me:
That no matter how harsh that storm is,
no matter how terrifying it is at the time,
you have to face it, and battle your own demons.
Because at the end of it - you are going to be fine, and things will always get better - or at least that's what you have to keep believing.

Breaking Dawn: A review

2009-07-27T23:04:00.002+03:00

Over the last week, I have not been neither sober enough nor bothered enough after my parents go to bed to post, so I havent. At the current point in time, I am both sober, and bothered.

After I ordered Breaking Dawn off Amazon, I finished reading the book in the space of about 4 days.
Yes it is about 700 pages. So very long.
The only reasons why I finished reading the book so damn quick was that :
A) I was very bored. Summer holidays are not exciting in the Middle East.
B) I wanted to know what kind of end this Edward and Bella would come to.

For those of you who have read at first book in the Twilight series, "Twilight" may or may not have been an enjoyable experience as far as a book is concerned.

But to be honest, I quite enjoyed Twilight, as it was both a Romance novel but quite interesting too. Maybe a bit too much romance and love for A 17 year old Bella, but you know, a girl can dream. Who wouldn't want to have a super hero Possible-killer-but-sexy-as-hell boyfriend? So I enjoyed it.

I didn't read the 2nd book of the sequel, whatever it was called. I read "Eclipse" though.
Yes, Bella's obsession with Edward leaves much to be desired, and quite frankly, I would have suggested that she needed a therapist. It gets even more stupid when Edward wants her to marry him. And then. As if that wasn't bad enough, the man she is about to marry [Edward] openly accepts the fact that Bella has been snogging the hell out of his arch-enemy-nemmisis (who is also Bella's best friend) and in fact, encourages Bella to do so.

And wait. That isn't it. In "Breaking Dawn" (the last, and final book in the series, Thankfully) it all gets even worse. Not only does nothing really happen in the book, but when something does, it is something as stupid as hell. Edward and Bella just seem to want to screw each other a lot, and she gets Vain as hell, and then the WORST bit is that the werewolf-arch-nemisis-of-Edward guy who used to be in love with Bella then goes and falls in love with their 1 day old baby daughter.
So all in all, the book is absolutely fucking ridiculous, and nothing happens in it.

The only reason I would suggest reading Breaking Dawn is if you are a die-hard (or just average) fan of the first twilight book and are mildly interested in what happens to Bella and Edward in the future (which isn't really much).
I think it is a waste of time. Everything that happens is stupid.

Psycho Babble.

2009-07-22T23:00:00.005+03:00

As I have been at a slightly loose end over the period of my holidays, I have taken to Binge-TV-Series-Watching.

So what have I been watching? (a condensed List)

Gossip Girl,
90210,
Grey's Anatomy,
Private Practice,
Desperate Housewives,
Bones

Basically what I have begun to realize...
is that Psychological crap seems to be really in fashion.
Not that I don't enjoy it, on the contrary, I DO!
It just seems to be appearing quite often.

Lets look at the above examples.

---- SPOILER ALTER ---- SPOILER ALERT ---- SPOILER ALERT ----

If you have not watched the latest seasons of the above series, its probably best not to read the rest of this post.

Gossip Girl: Well towards the end of the second season, you have slightly mad Georgina returning from Jesus Land and then turning into so vengeance seeking psycho-path and turning very Chuck Bass on the audience.

In 90210, have protagonist, Silver, going for the all out Bi-Polar disorder on the audience, leaving her to be limp, and frustrated.

In Grey's Anatomy, Alex Karev's ex-girlfriend, Eva was suffering severe depression and poor Alex - more iminently, there was the tumour of Izzy Stevens, which to say the least drove her face surreal hallucinations and had tremendous repurcusions on the character.

In Private Practice, one of the depressed patients goes all psycho AS WELL! She tries to remove a baby surgically from her pregnant therapist's belly, while never having had any medical training in her life.

Then Desperate Housewives - the whole 5th season was based around an revenge-seeking and psychopathic Dave, who had severe anger management problems, trying to avenge the death of his wife and daughter.

And Lastly, in Bones, the gruesome twosome, Temperance Brennan and Seeley Booth both encounter psychopathic criminals on a day-to-day bases, with some of them having disturing consequences.

---- END SPOILER ---- END SPOILER ---- END SPOILER ----

Obviously, psychological mind-games are very fashionable nowadays. Not that I'm complaining, I'm enjoying it very much.
If you have not watched all the seasons of the above series, I would definately reccomend so. Even some guys I know enjoy Gossip Girl and Desperate Housewives! You might be surprised.

Hari the Potter? Who is that?

2009-07-15T23:08:00.001+03:00

With me leaving to see the Harry potter and the Half Blood Prince movie in approximately 10 minutes ago (I'm horribly late) , I can't help but wonder what kind of dissapointment HP Fans are going to be faced with this year.

I, myself, must admit that I was quite a fan of the Harry Potter BOOKS series, and then I read the 7th and final Harry Potter Book. And that was it. It didn't interest me any more. And I havent read any of the books in about 8 months, if I remember correctly, and that is quite a long period of no-harry-potter-books by my standards. But I just lost interest, I suppose. But I would still read the books if I had not much else to do.

Then the movies. I think that is a whole different story. The first Harry Potter was babyish, the second one just boring. The third movie was Okay and the fourth movie had half of the storyline cut out of it.
And then the fifth - Well. It was a combination of the worst aspects of all the preceding movies before it - Crucial scenes of the plot, which I thought were so important and touching if nothing else was cut out. Okay, Okay, I'm being harsh here. But the worst thing about the 5th movie was that it was SO DARK. The colour schemes, the general shots, the overall storyline. Yes, indeed Harry Potter gets darker as the series progresses, but I was worried about how much more they can push it, especially by the time they get to the Deathly Hallows.

Like I said, I'm being harsh. I would still watch the movies, and to be honest, I still do enjoy them. Just that they are perhaps over rated.

(Yet here I am going to watch the premiere of Harry Potter in my Country at 11.30pm just so I can be some of the first few lucky people in the Middle East to watch the movie. So maybe, JUST maybe, I might be a hypocrit and at heart- Im a diehard Harry Potter Fan. Ugh.)

It's a Bittersweet Symphony this life.

2009-06-28T13:05:00.006+03:00

As mentioned in my previous posts, I feel as though the tides are slowly changing. My slightly cynical self is slowly retreating into the background from whence it came, and I'm feeling better.

Despite the fact that in some respects things are falling apart for me, some small insistent part of my inner being wants to truly believe that things are looking up, improving, forever getting better. Then, on the other hand, there is a larger part of my self, which seems to batter against my hopes, smash my wishes, and dismiss my dreams, really stating that: My life cant be improving. Because any time things get better, its only going to get worse. After all, the higher you climb, the harder you fall.

My parents may both be on the verge of loosing their jobs, which both have had for over 20 years of so in their respective departments, and at the same time, various family members seem to be thriving while we sink into deep and irreversible financial burdens. It seems almost unreal that our life has come to this - our life, that was once, so, so, so good, comfortable. Buying shoes, clothes, bags every weekend, spending inflated prices for over-appreciated coffee, and taking part in other such extravagant rituals, and to think that now, it may all disappear. I don't know how we would cope.

How would I cope? How could I cope? What would happen? Would we be able to support ourselves?

Am I overreacting? Possibly. But the fact of the matter is that from next year onwards, my quarterly fees in my school is double of what one of my parents earn in a month, and coupled together with the ever rising rent prices in the area, there seems no end to our problems.

Meanwhile, my mother is battling with depression. I use the word "battling" lightly. Her mood sways from side to side, a ship lulling feverently in stormy seas, never able to know which way she may sway next. I suppose what makes the ordeal of my mother's depression more severe for me is that our moods and life is rigidly intertwined. If I become depressed, she then follows, and if she is upset, I then promptly also move to a darker place. For the life of me, I do not know why this is, or why this happens, but I suppose it could have something to do with our close relationship. All through my childhood, my mother was the only thing, the only person who was constantly there, from day 1 onwards, all the way up to now. In some respects, she is the only thing that keeps me grounded, stable, and constantly reminds me of who I am, or who I should be - and that is, myself.

Amidst all these atrocities, and uncertainty, there still remains a glimmer of hope for me. Towards the last week of my 7 week exam stint, I began brightening up. I began socializing with some of my mother's friends, and we hosted an enormous (but seemingly extravagant) dinner party at my house, with about 30 or so people. You may be wondering - so what? But the truth is, it mattered a lot. It was the first instances when I had left the house after exams started and socialised with people who actually gave me some sort of delight in my life. They made me laugh, they made me part of their social group. It felt great, and for a change, I did not feel like this masked "Wall-flower" who blended with the background, but instead someone that people liked to talk to.

My only worry now is: will this keep up? My unchanging tendency is always to ruin good periods in my life, by self destruction. I'm almost always the master of my own unhappiness, because usually I have too much expectation from events and the people around me. I begin to build up this fantasy of happiness around me, which doesn't really exist. Maybe this is it: The lower your expectation, the better things seem, because you learn to expect almost nothing from anyone. Higher expectations can only lead to disappointment, but how do you stop yourself from always expecting, or at least wanting more?

Summer Ball

2009-06-26T02:04:00.003+03:00

Today, I attended my first ball EVER!
I wore a turquoise half length dress, which was sleeveless and had an empire waistline. Along with it was sequenced shoes which was over 10cm in height and had little peep toes.
A massive necklace and huge shiny dangly earrings were also present due to the simplicity of the dress.
To be honest, it was the first time I really LOVED shopping for clothes.
I HATE shopping, but this week was the exception and I truly enjoyed every moment. Getting dressed up was a truly fairy-tale-ish experience, with my mum helping me do my hair and getting my dress sorted.
Just like in Mamma Mia, just before Amanda Bynes gets married, Meryl Streep helps her get presentable, and it was a somewhat similar situation with me and mum.
For once, I felt good, and felt as though I actually looked great. It was a great confidence boost.

Again, very much like my exams, I was full of mixed emotion.
This was the very last event in which my fellow classmates would be sharing our last moments together, and since next year, we were all choosing different subjects and different courses, we wore not likely to be in classes together.
All the people I had become close to in the last two years would slowly fade into the distance and hopefully I would make new friends.

it was much like my very last exam, because I knew that this was probably one of the last few social gatherings I would attend with certain collegues of mine, and I knew this was the end of one chapter in my life.
As much as I am forward to the next chapter, being a seniour sixth former *, I know that it will pose a challenge - new friends, new lessons, higher expectations, higher workload.
It's going to be tough. I hope I will do okay, because I'm not someone who particularily thrives under change, but for some reason this time around, I feel optimistic.
Maybe that's a good sign?

(Ooo, and about 5 guys came upto and said I looked hot/beautiful/pretty. I'm happy.)

*A Sixth Former is someone in year 12 or 13 in a school (ie. The last two years of schooling before someone goes to university)

Long Time No See

2009-06-22T22:38:00.001+03:00

Yes, it has been ages since I posted (apart from my last post I mean).
Exams had been stressful. Now I'm back for the summer, hopefully try and blog a post or two everyday. Not that anyone reads it, but its nice to have something to do.

Heres a list of stuff I want to do this summer:
- 1 Large Scale Piece of Art which can be framed
- A piece of composition on Sibelius
- Get S.A.T. Preparation Books
- Find out What course I want to do in University and what subjects I need to do them
- What Summer internships I can do for next summer
- Watch all of One Tree Hill
- Buy loads of clothes. AND SHOES!

Ooo! And this thursday we have our annual sumemr ball from school, where only over 16s are allowed, and its going to be so much fun, except I cant even find a half decent dress. So I'm screwed. Everyone already brought their dress like a month ago.
Need to Buy:
- dress
- Handbag
- Nailpolish
- Eyeshadow
- Shoes
- Bracelet
- Necklace
- Stockings or Body Shapper things.
- New Eyeliner

But yay for summer. I'm sort of nervous about seeing everyone in school again though, because I havent seen anyone in like 10 days or so and its a bit weird, seeing everyone in formals. Sigh. And I want a guy. Why couldnt I go with a guy?
Boys. Tsk.

Hello Summer, Goodbye Exams.

2009-06-17T18:12:00.004+03:00

My stint of board examinations has come to an end and I have to admit the feeling is bittersweet.

Ok my time of exams were one of the most stressful periods in my life, but there has been so many great moments in some ways.

Where to begin? How about the sheer feeling of just being in school. Okay, I know that sounds boring. But life had a certain routine in them, and being around my friends was... Well I felt grounded. Not like punishment, but grounded as in, set in my place, rooted. Things felt right, and there was a routine and timetable to stick to which really (unknowingly) kept me realtively sane.

On the other hand, freedom has been incredible. I feel that now i can just concentrate on things that I want to do (with the exception of cleaning out all my old crap from the last two years out of my room, which I cant be bothered to do) and in a sense I feel like I'm at a loose end. I don't know what to do with myself, and there are too many hours in the day but at the same time too few.

One positive thing about the end of exams is that I can actually think about guys. I don't have to restrain my feelings nor my hormones, because exams are over! And after about 4 months, I can finally afford to be distracted!
Things seem to be slipping in place, as I've joined my mums running club and everyweek there is a massive social after the actual run. And boy ohhh boy, are some of the people there good looking. Okay, maybe not even good looking but they are the funniest bunch of people I know, and its a great relief for all my family to be in a change of scene. Lots of nice yummy ones there. Yummaaay!

I miss school though. I never thought I would say this but I miss being around the bitchy natured bastards who actually did make life a little more... spiced up, in some respects. Being at home is a bit lonely, and let me be honest, I'm not dying for choice when it comes to friends.

But whatever it is. School is over. For 3 months.
Exams are over.
And I don't care what grades I got, I am just glad they are done.

Hello Summer, Goodbye Exams.

Skeletons

2009-04-16T21:53:00.002+03:00

This is a Post from Esha, which she requested I copied (:
Expanding on what she said, it is always difficult, horrendously so, to acknowledge your weaknesses, and actually do something to improve yourself. Facing upto your weaknesses, and admitting you have them is a huge step forward for anyone, but taking things into your own hands and doing something about it is even greater.

Here is a list of 5 things I want to improve:
(Very similar to Esha's :D Shows we have a lot in common)

1. I wish I wouldn't let every single event in my past determine my future. I think that in my mind, I feel that if something has happened to me, I'm bound to that fate. Or even worse, I think that if something has happened to my parents, I will make the same mistakes again. Don't get me wrong, my parents are great people, but they made a lot of mistakes, and I don't want the life they have created for themselves. My Dad's death has also shaped me a lot. In some good ways, but in some bad. I'm so scared of doctors, have no belief in their statements, I fear that I will become diseasesed, poor and depressed like him too. I fear that I will live in that fear as well. Another thing is my parent's divorce. I don't want to get married, or even get into a relationship, only to make the same mistakes and unhappy scenes that my parents had. The same blood runs through my veins, the same weaknesses, strengths, likes and dislikes. And sometimes I let this fear of my past to shape my actions.

2. I want to keep my close circle of friends at least for another two years. I seem to have this terrible habit that anywhere between 6 months - 2 years, I have to change my circle of friends. I seem to make friends really easily, but am terrible at keeping them. I guess my current gang have been great, until they weren't. I just felt like they ditched me when I most needed them, and the things that I once liked about them, irritates me so much. I dont know what to do, but it just needs to stop. It would be nice to have a sense of continuity.

3. I worry too much about my mum, and she worries too much about me. 'm not saying that I don't want her to be my best friend, because I do, but recently, I was so scared when she was going to go on holiday without me. I worried that something would happen to her, that she wouldn't come back, that something terrible would happen, and I wouldn't be there for her. We are way too attached, in a way that it's probably strange for most people. I'm not saying we shouldn't be as close -because we should. But maybe not so attached.
On the other hand, maybe our closeness is what makes us what we are.

4. a)I always procrastinate and hold back. If it's exams, I always leave things to the last minute. When my mum is going on holiday, and I don't want her to go, I'll tell her that about 10 minutes before she leaves the house to the airport. I never get right to the point, and have the terrible tendancy to babble.
b) I'm constantly aware of what others will think, and this makes me procrastinate even more. Other's opinions seem to always plague what I do, and I'm always conscientious about what people think of my parents as well. They are pretty cool parents, and lots of people have said that they would love to have my parents, but I'm always so aware of every stupid thing they say.

5. Boys. Boys, Boys, Boys. Yes, us girlies all have this problem, that is a given. But with me, especially recently, I seem to have let pathetic, masochistic, numb skulled males dominate a lot of my life. Every time a start liking a guy, it gets too serious. My mind goes into boy mode, I fight with my parents more often, I start day dreaming, and even fantasizing. My school work becomes considerably less focused, and I'm ashamed to mention this, but I become a wreck. Boys are probably not worth my time right now, but I always have this problem of forming attatchments to boys who quickly become friends with me, and all of a sudden, everything goes pear shape, and we lose our friendship just as quickly. Should I act like I dont care? Should I confront the boy? Should I tell someone I like him?

* *

This post is probably a very good display of Number 4. I babble a lot. And never get to what I'm saying. I want to change all these things. They are the biggest priorities in my life right now.
But only after my education and my family unfortuneatly. All my priorities will have to stay to the side until school & my family are sorted.

Thank you for the wonderful idea Esha (:

What is Happening to the World?

2009-03-27T23:10:00.002+03:00

I'm mad. Angry. I want to hurt someone, even myself right now.

Not only does everyone else seem to lead the perfect life, but I have begun fighting with my mother. It has been long coming, and will probably last a while. But this is not good.

Ma wont let me go to a club, where I wont even be drinking or talking to strangers, never mind accepting drinks from them. I have more sense than that. And even though it was one of my friends birthdays, I dare not argue with her, just because I know what stress shes going through? Well you know what. Don't be nice people. Because being nice gets you no where.

No where.

The only thing you get from being nice, or considerate is hurt. A whole bucket load. No. Truck load.
I try to be caring towards my friends, they get the wrong idea, turn on me, and I land face down in shit. I try to be considerate towards my mother, not telling her how I feel, because I dont want her to feel bad, and I dont want her to get stressed -and I get a mountain of sound waves pumped through my ears all day asking me if I've studied, shouldnt I be studying, What am I doing on the computer, Blah fucking blah.

You know what? Why dont I just be a mega bitch. Maybe then Ill get things done. Maybe then I might have some peace.

okay. Rant over.
But being nice, its a bitch. And I hate it. Right now, I want to run away.

Juxtaposition

2009-03-20T22:58:00.004+03:00

This was a good week.
I thought it was a good week.

But then, at the end of the week, I came home, and I felt like shit.
I just wanted to throw up, feeling like I had made a fool of myself.

It was good in the sense that I felt like I had really made some friends. I talked to everyone, I had a great laugh, I was over all confident, really unlike me though. I had no problem talking to everyone, and I truly spoke my mind. It was great. I was so proud of myself.

And then. Ma tells me that my step sisters are arriving next week. Next week. And to make it worse, George only told us that yesterday. Yester fucking day. I don't want my step sisters here. They come with the sole purpose of ruining our lives, and as if things aren't awkward enough with Me and my step dad. I don't know if I can stand it, especially with my exams coming up. I dont think I can.

I mean, everytime I'm up on my two feet, someone, seomthing kicks me down.
Down to the ground.
Over and over again.
Harder and Harder each time.

Dreams

2009-03-13T11:04:00.001+03:00

Every bit of me is hurting. Scarred, from all the things that have passed.
I'm at loss to why I'm feeling like this. I was feeling great yesterday , messing around with the guys, laughing with my friends, getting along okay.
This whole thing with him has made me go nuts.

"He's not here. You won't ever see him!
So why is he still bothering you? Get your act together.
Its been over a year, and he probably doesnt even remember you. Grow up.
There are some things which are not worth it, and he is one of those things. Get over it." I keep telling these words to myself, but it seems to not make any difference.

All of today, all I could think about was all these memories, these things we did, the way we laughed.
I'm being ridiculous, making it sound as if we had some big history. Ha. We barely knew eachother, never mind being in some tragic and deep love story. I still cant imagine what things would be like, If I had told him. If for once, I had taken that risk. If for once, I had braver. If for once, I had admitted it to myself.

An Old Friend Revisits.

2009-03-12T18:37:00.012+03:00

Just the sheer thought of talking to him again, just a 2 minute conversation about him, just a small glimmer of him was all that I needed, to take me back to a place, a time, a feeling, which I never thought I would feel again.

It has been about 9 months since I last saw Sam, but my conversation with one of his best friends was all I needed to remember what he did to me. My stomach turned all day, my head spun, my senses gave in to the butterflies in my gut - but why? Why, why were these feelings coming back? How were they coming back? I didn't know.

His best friend, Paul and me were discussing Math one minute, and the next minute, we were discussing Sam, and all his eccentricities. There were some things that Paul said that struck me, and it was before long that I had this cold feeling going through my vains, my head spinning.

I hadn't talked to Paul much for a long time, so I decided to sit next to him on the bus ride home, as there were not many other seats and that I felt terrible about ignoring him for so long. We began the conversation by asking how my year was going and what subjects were doing and so on. We both did the advanced math course in our school, so as he was in the year above, I asked if he had any advice. Then slowly we creeped onto the conversation on what grades him and his class recieved. Paul ofcourse, being the smart, hardworking person that he was, recieved an A*, Ainsley got an A (another friend of mine). I remembered that Sam was in Paul's class, and then went onto enquire what Sam recieved (he got a B.).

From there, our conversation became something of... I don't know what to say about it really. I started explaining to Paul that Sam was a friend of mine, and before I could finish he said "You met in the Drama production, I know." And I was dumbfounded, because I had no idea why Paul would know that, because I hadn't talked to him before a couple of months after Sam left. It was a bit strange. I don't know why, but it just seemed to be.

Then I tried to explain how I had not talked to Sam in months, and Paul also remembered the Pet names Sam had given me. This was all awkward because I did not even know Paul then. Paul said he knew because "Sam would always scream out your name if he ever saw you on the cricket pitch"

The strangest event in my eyes must have been that after a long while, Sam had texted Paul from boarding school. Paul had only worlds of great words to speak of Sam, and said "He's a great guy. One of the greatest people I know". We talked about Sam for great lengths of time. I explained to Paul how one of the last things he had said to me was that he was "Going to boarding school in Austrailia." And that was the last I heard of Sam.

It was so refreshing to know someone who knew him well.
Saying that, I didn't know Sam that well. Or I thought I didnt.

The moment I reached home, all sense of reason seemed to fly out of the window. Sam plagued my mind, and my heart went to a time, a time where I was happy, where Sam was around, everyday, making me laugh. He was a part of the happiest time of my life.
The funny thing with Sam was that I don't know what it was, but I always felt like there was something there. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it was just friendship, maybe just casual flirting, but it always felt like more, but I haven't got the greatest instincts.
He wasn't like other guys, and he definately wasn't a flirt. There were just times, when I was certain. And the fact that Paul knew a lot about me and Sam made me wonder if Sam felt the same way too, that there was something more. Just that bit more...

But what is the point? Sam is in boarding school, never comes to visit, and probably does not even remember me. The last time we talked, was in June of 08. I cannot believe I even remember that. Why is he even important?

I just cant get him out of my head.

2009-02-24T17:34:00.002+03:00

I finally caught up with Grey's in real life.
About 6 months ago, I started watching the series starting from season 1 on Dvd, And I have finally got to season 5.

I thought Season 4 was crap! Season 2 = best season ever!
I also think Season 5 has so much potential, and so far it seems superb.
Unfortunately, Grey's is taking a couple of weeks off, so their next episode is only in the second week of march *tears*
Its terrible D: I WANT MORE OWEN HUNT!

I would watch Grey's just for Steven McKidd.
Steven McKidd is like G.I. Joe in GA, only sexier, manlier, and mcKiddier.
Its awesome. Hes awesome.
I thought he looked like a prick in Made of Honor, but GA season 5... Okay. Im going on and on. You get my point (:

Insecurity

2009-02-21T13:46:00.003+03:00

It's trail blazes behind me,
as if I were the fuel and it was a fire,
always careering, cantering, clearing.

I am constantly running,
from this incessant flame,
which refuses to die down.

It follows me,
into the night and day,
into the darkness and light, no escape.

And its power traps me,
tying me down,
With wisps of it's fury.

I could find love,
I could find happiness,
But this horrendous blaze denies, disallows and desecrates these pleasures.

You come near me,
I come closer,
But the blaze engulfs you in its fury.

This blaze in which you have disappeared,
Scares me, tears me, despairs me,
And so, I keep my distance.

It will never let me be in peace,
it will never allow me my happiness,
it will never succumb to change.

Because no matter what I do,
No matter how I try,
My insecurity will stop me getting through.

A Special Week, and a Special End.

2009-02-21T10:31:00.004+03:00

Even last year after the Young Musicians competition I was devastated, but this year it only seems to be worse. It's hard to explain, but there is something about a week away from school work and from all my normal friends, being engrossed in music - it is just a great break. The break I needed to clear my head, and get a bit distracted from the stupid drama of high school.

It was a great week.
So much music, so many emotions, yet an unequivocal respect for each other musicians.
We were all jealous of eachother's talents, but we all loved that each of us, had a talent that normal people outside the competition did not have: Our Musicianship.
In the week, over 90 students were staying with host families, and were aged from 8 to 18.
Wow, it was great.

The first two days was hard core competition, all the most complicated and virtuosic pieces and the most talented musicians battling it out for places in the semis and finals. Last two days were workshops and masterclasses, again a great experience.

But, I havent mentioned the best bit.
The guys.
They were fine. Ofcourse you had the sexy Zac-Efron-But-Jackass types, and then you had the Ok types, and the I'm-socially-retarded types. And the best types : The ok looking ones who were so nice to get along with, and there were loads of 'em. I think what makes these guys different, is purely their musical talent, and that's always a great topic-starter. Its so easy to converse with them.

I don't think I made the most of the week, because I didn't talk to that many people. And I wish I had got around to talking to some of the guys.
Hey Ho.
Next year perhaps?

(OH. And I got almost asked out by a guy.)
Im waiting Febuary 2010 (:

Young Musicians

2009-02-13T12:28:00.002+03:00

With the Young Musicians competition right around the corner, I'm up to my eyeballs, actually no, upto my eyebrows in practice and with a 4000 word essay due in next week, feels like I have no time to breath.

So what is Young Musicians? This is a competition held in the Middle East, and schools from all over the Middle East come to partake in the competition. Last year there were over 15 schools and a 150+ participants. This year, I think it's a bit less, but I look forward to it all the same.
I love this week of the year, its where so many musical people come together.

It is truly one place where I feel at home, where others understand what music means.
To each and every one of us, Music is our life, our soul, our past, present and future.
There is competition on the first three days,m and the last two consist of workshops, masterclasses, its all fun.

BUT. BEST OF ALL...
There are SO many hot guys. All of whom are musical too :O
I always finish the week wanting to have their babies (:

St. Valentines - What an ass.

2009-02-12T20:30:00.000+03:00

So Valentines is on Saturday, and today we all got our "Valentines Gifts" at school (or some of us did not get any).

At school, the week before Valentines, you can pre-order roses, teddies and chocolate for any one you want to send to in school. You can send it to who ever you want: boyfriends, girlfriends, teachers, just friends, enemies, whoever. This year I didnt have the chance to send any, nor did I recieve any.
You get what you give, I guess.

That's okay, that's all okay, I don't mind not getting stuff, but what REALLY annoys me is when all the girls go around squaking "What did you get? Did you get anything?"
And you either get one of two replies.
If you say yes they say "Oooo who from?". Its none of your fucking business.
And if you say no, they say "Oh! Well I got loads. One from Jane, one from Ashton, one from Andrew..." so on and so on.

So I hated it, and I refuse to go to the Valentines dance.
So there St. Valentines. Shove the love up your ass.
(:

Paddham

2009-02-06T19:14:00.003+03:00

The hills of South India are as unexpected as they are beautiful: Very. I was surprised that in my own part of the country, I experienced vast expanses of hills, where there was peace and all was as one would expect it to be.

Coming up the hills (actually more mountains), all one could see for miles around were emerald carpets of forest, blanketing the valley floors and the hills around it. The last 42 kilometres up the mountain to reach the temple was a difficult one, with the bus barely being able to limb with the accelerator in max. We crawled up the hill, sluggish reaching our final destination after 7 hours in a bus with no suspension. It was tough, but you know, for him, it was worth it. I would do it every year, just for him.

We were at the pinacle of the mountain, with cotton clouds gently draping the peaks, not a sound to be heard expect for the gentle chants from the temple, and squeaks from various creatures that lived in the forest. Yes, for once, yes, I could imagine God living in a place like this. It is truly one of the only places I felt was holy, from all the temples I have visited in my short life time.

It was so strange though, the difficulty in arriving the place only seemed to make it more holy.
The honey glowing orange which surrounding the amber setting sun, made the day special, but being there with my entire family, all together, for the first time in many years made it even more special.

On the way to goats...

2009-01-25T00:32:00.001+03:00

I've been told to blog about a certain event, so I thought I would.

It's early morning, and I'm sitting outside our giant blue tent, possibly covering my backside with a pile of goat's shit. Oh fuck, what do I care? I stare out at the sea, hoping for some peace, maybe solitude, but already some of the guys are up, packing their rucksacks. The cliffs are so beautiful. Serene clue sea in front of me, and tall hills towering behind me. It would be perfect. There is a hoard of goats, passing by, which have come from the side of the mountain, their perfectly tanned Mediterranean shepherd boy herding them through the camp site, and the goats' small bells tingle, causing a wave of shimmering through the coast line.

I sit to think of how I feel. The previous night's events have left me a little uncertain, but yet at the same time, only confirm what I first thought. Ha, what I fool I had been to believe that he was secretly in love with me, only too ashamed to admit it. It was ridiculous. I blush even now, just thinking about it. Seriously, I am cringing.

So what happened last night? Ann, Liz and Midge were sitting on their sleeping mats, looking horrendously cozy in their jackets, but were almost knocking down my tent pegs. As I gently tried to nudge them away, I heard them talking about their trip, and decided to join them. We sat there in the moonlight, discussing the previous camp trips that they had taken part in these very same spots, and how the goats came trampling through the hills at the crack of dawn. On one occasion, one flamboyant goat assumed the tents were edible, and had a nibble, leaving a sufficient enough hole the in owner's tent that it inevitably was drenched within the next few hours due to torrential rains. I laughed with them, an empty laugh of no real meaning, and I sat there simple appreciating the weather.

Soon afterwards, Graham joined us, his tight thermal shirt displaying his muscly chest. In addition, he happened to be wearing his cheesy grin, which used to make my heart flutter. Used to. But not anymore. Before I knew it, he was bringing his fucking sleeping mat down to where us 4 girls were sitting and brought his sleeping gear with him. Ann, Liz, Midge and Graham all decided they were spending the night outside, despite the abnormally large odds of being excreted on by a goat. No chance of rain, he said, the sky's clear. Look at the stars.
I sat looking around, feeling slightly awkward. The past few days had eben hard on the group, and I had barely talked to Graham. It was weird.

All of a sudden before I knew it, he was talking again. About himself. Funny how often the topic of himself and his love life, or lack of it came up. The last 3 days, which I had a conversation with him, it was all about himself. Was he always like this? Or had I just noticed? Was is self obsession always present, and I had been too blinded by our friendship to notice?

This went on for ages, until I could not handle it. But it just made me think about him from a totally different angle. Despite spending 5 intense days with him and 4 other people in the middle of no where in the mountains of Europe, we had barely talked.
In the middle of his self obssesed conversation, I walked away, barely able to look at him, never mind anything else. You know what Graham? I really stopped giving a fuck.

(:

Slum Dog Millionaire - A Review

2009-01-23T19:30:00.005+03:00

I have so much to say, so little time!

So last night, I went to watch Slum Dog Millionaire.
I don't know about everyone else, but I thought the movie is definately worth a homeage.

SlumDog Millionaire, is a movie based in the heart of Mumbai, and is produced and directed by a British director and producer. The actual story line is supposedly loosely based on a book called Q & A, also based in the Slums of Mumbai (as far as I remember)

The first half of the movie is a definate masterpiece. What starts of little snapshots from various settings from the Slums, Who wants to be a millionaire, and a jail, steadily morphs into an intriguing chase concerning destiny and fate. Though some may consider the plot a little too coincidental, the questions on "Who wants to be a millionaire" were quite unexpected, and I thought, very realistic.

Some audiences (especially the Indian ones) argue that the image portrayed of the slums is O.T.T. or shedding India in a bad light, and also insist that the plot is unrealistic. I can see why some feel this way, but it is not your standard movie. The last half an hour of the movie tends towards a movie more typical Bollywood storyline, where everything is fabulous, and gets eminently more over dramtic, but still, the overall shape of the movie is commendable.

If you havent watched it, you may want to.

Saturday, 18th January, 2008

2009-01-18T18:25:00.004+03:00

This time last year, I was walking out of the ICU, getting shouted at by my grandad.

I was in tears, and he was scoffing at me "What do you think he will feel like EH? If he sees you cry? Now you are just going make him feel worse. Pull yourself together stupid girl."

I tried to pull myself together. But wasn't really succeeded. I walked through the corridor of the ICU, Looking at my Dad for the last time, and putting on my shoes. Walking up the two levels of rickety stairs, I just seemed to be on auto pilot, hysterical to some extent. I tried to calm down, and my aunt and uncle were just patting me on the back. I held onto the tears in front of my grandma, who was already doing her head in about my Dad. My aunt came upto me, with my uncle, both giving me a big hug, and we decided that it was best that I went home, they did not want me to stay in the hospital as it was an oasis for filth.

Picking up my phone in the room upstairs, there was no signal. Damn. I went to stand by the window, and called my mum. I could not help but burst into tears again, staring out of the window. She could not understand a word of what I was saying, "What? I cant understand you darling, calm down for a second. Please."

I cried. Like a fucking crying thing. I cried down the stairs, and I cried all the way home in our 45 minute car ride home. When I got to my Mum's parents' house, my grandma saw me in tears. I think it was the first time that she had seen me in real tears recently, and it was the first time we had a "moment" of our own. She gave me a huge hug, and told me it would be okay, and explained that he just looked tired because of the surgery, and that he was getting healthier each day.

Around 8.30pm India time, I was talking to my mum, yet again, on Yahoo, telling her that I could believe the state that he was in, and that I had actually cried in front of dad in the hospital. I know how much it kills him to see me cry, but I still did, and I could not do anything but cry when I saw him. He was upset, I knew it. But he never shed a tear. Never. He was always like that, emotions all sewed up like a stiched up turkey on Thanksgiving. When I was talking to Dad, I explained to my mum, i couldnt think of anything to say, he just looked terrible, worse than I had ever seen him. I didnt even get the chance to show him my braces or tell him about the stupid things we had seen and done in Nepal the previous month.

My mum told me to calm down, stop crying, but I couldnt. I think thats the longest that I have ever cried at once. And I had no clue why I was crying though, everyone said Dad was fine, even he did. But seeing him, he just looked terrible.
And I wasnt there to help him through it.
The killer was crying in front of him.

My mum was worried. Concern pouring through her voice, and no one could help me. I cried my self to sleep, with my grandma next to me, and my Mum worried, concerned about what was to happen. It was a disturbed sleep.
Could things be worse? I felt like a pot of shit.

But it was only the 18th of January, 2008. Who knew the downward spiral had not even began yet.

Alone, in a World Full of People.

2009-01-18T18:14:00.002+03:00

I need someone to talk to.
But I just dont think I can be gutsy enough to talk to anyone about it.
Life is busy, my friends dont care.

Im trying to juggle a million things.
My parents on the verge of losing their jobs, I might have to leave and go to boarding school, and because of my personal reasons I may be letting down my whole music department and groups for this large competition. But most of all, its Dada.

Okay, all of this sounds trivial right? But all the pressure right now is too much. And it has all come to bite me across the arse at once, which I think is the main problem.

To make it worse, my piano teacher's Dad was hospitalized, with septicemia. His blood pressure was very low, and dropping, and he has also been put on a respirator. He had amild heart attack due to all the stress on his body. All of the above sounds very familiar, and look what happened to MY dad. My piano teacher is so dear to me, and her Dad, just like mine, has been through hell. He had two cancers, one of which he has to have life long chemo for, and multiple heart attacks and severe prostate issues. Many the beginning of years are bad for Dads who have been through hell. He's a fighter though, I want to believe he will get through this.

I want to believe. Full stop.

Falling Away With You...

2009-01-14T17:47:00.002+03:00

I haven't been writing about music much, so I thought I would break the trend. Been listening to "Falling Away with You" by Muse. And that along with Ultraviolet is just breaking my heart in more than a million ways, but they are just two beautiful songs in real. This is one of my favorite songs by Muse.

I can't remember when it was good
moments of happiness elude
maybe I just misunderstood

all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find

so I'll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we've done
I think our lives have just begun
I think our lives have just begun

and I'll feel my world crumbling
I'll feel my life crumbling
I'll feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
falling away with you

staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you're breathing in
I know I won't forget a thing

promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same

all of the love we threw away
all of the hopes we cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again

I can feel my world crumbling
I can feel my life crumbling
I can feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
falling away with you

all of the love we've left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find
memories I will never find

Anyway, the melody is just lovely, and it is SO unlike the other Muse songs, which is what makes it even more beautiful. DOWNLOAD DOWNLOAD. PLZ? (I dont know, might not be your type of song, but just listen to it first)
:D I've put the video up, just for you to enjoy on here ^^

Post Numero 50!

2009-01-11T18:07:00.004+03:00

Yaay!
My 50th post on blogger.com :o
(52nd really, but 2 havent been published because they are in the drafts section)

It was a while ago, that I started my blog. Wanted to publish my posts in a book.
6th July 2008, was my first blog post, though technically speaking, I had started the blog much earlier, just never being about to publish anything before that.
I think I wanted it to be a place where I could let go of my thoughts, somewhere to rant, where my friends would not judge me, where no one could say "Not again!", where I could be myself.

And I think, it has been precisely that. Perhaps something more.
Okay, not everything is publishable material, and that is just ridiculous, I'm not going to be a famous writer.
But my thoughts are what count. I was able to speak on here, like I could not speak anywhere else.

In a way, as I started speaking more and more to my blog, I spoke less and less with my friends. It was irritating me, how I felt I had to be funny, and people liked me - I had good friends. But then it got to a point where I could not stand it. I had spent a shit full summer in India, reality caught up with me, and yes, I got depressed.

You know what, I must be such a terrible person, because I got depressed and a bit cranky and am not so funny. Im a sinner. Gosh. There.

And thats how my friends make me feel. All the time, every day, every lesson, they make me feel that I have to acheive a certain amount of humor to be friends with them. It kills me, pisses me off and makes me want to hurt someone. It's as though as the more I got depressed, the more they kept their distance, and the worse the depression got because I was not talking to anyone.

I don't care. I have my life. Friends, are nothing to me, in reality. Except my mum, and three others who I met when I was younger than 6, because they are the people I can trust, and am still in touch with now no matter what. My friends at high school just get in my way, and ruin everything.

TWO THINGS TO SAY:
Fuck You Fubuches.
(:

And ILU Blog ^^

Mock Exams.

2009-01-07T13:21:00.003+03:00

This last week has been hell-ish for me.
Going back to school was weird, every one seemed so distant.
No. I seemed so distant to every one else.

Before that, I had only spent 2 days revising two years worth of material for 6 different exams.
Well done Pat! What a fuck up.
In about 4 of my exams, Ispent half the exams not knowing what to write, just sitting there, And then the other half just making up stuff. It was terrible.

I dont know why, but the day before my exams, I wanted to throw up, because I knew I havent studied.
Im used to being good at stuff, so I usually feel good after exams. But this time...
Oh fuck, it was such a mess up.
I had butterflies, wanted to throw up, and I didnt know what to do.

I didnt revise. Luckily, this is just mocks, but I dont want the same shit to happen for the real thing. Oh holy crap, Im so scared. If I dont get good grades, for the real things, some Universities might not accept me. And I cant afford for that to happen, Im only going to the best universities bitches.

And I feel really alone right now. I ... I cant talk to any one about how I really feel. I mean, yeah, I talked to a few of my friends, and my mum, but I dont know how much they will be willing to understand or help with. I'm considering going into therapy. It's getting too much for me. No fucking consellers here though ;___; What to do. What to do? HELP!

A Kiss to remember.

2009-01-01T23:02:00.002+03:00

I stood there, only centimetres away from his face, our bodies pressing against eachother. After a long hug, I pulled away, but he held me to him, our faces watching eachother - with intent? Caution? I dont know. The expression on both of our faces were some of longing and anger. I tried pulling back again, but his arms were firmly around my waist, not letting me go, but this time, he pulled me in even closer. Oh god, he smelled divine. Axe. I breathed in heavily. Yep, definately axe. he brought one had upto my face, with his other arm still holding me tightly, but moving to the small of my back. He looked scared.
Slowly, ever so slowly, he brought his face closer and closer to mine, watching my eyes softly to look for any sign of discontent or for me to pull away, but I didnt. Soon our noses were almost touching, his lips only millimetres away. His muscly body felt so solid, so assuring, I didnt want to let go and I realised how much I had fallen for this boy (hardly a boy anymore), over the last two months. I tilted my head gently, and he followed, in pursuit, taking a sharp breath and quickly licked his lips.
I began remembering........

SNAP. My head jerked back as I slapped him across the face. I was so appalled by what I was just about to do, I wanted to vomit. I was actually about to kiss this guy. I was actually touching the guy who almost ruined everything. My face had terrified look, and Sarah was looking at me in shock. Good for her, I thought. Im not like her.

Jason looked up at me. His hand was on his cheek, which was bright red. He looked truely shocked.
"What was that for?" He asked in awe.
"Oh my god. You know what. You are such a jerk thats what." I replied.
"I'm a sexy jerk, you said so yourself. But seriously, what was that for?" Jason said. Oh fuck! He actually said those very words out loud in front of Sarah - it was getting awkward.
"Excuse me? You wish I had said so darling. But what the fuck was all that about Jason?" I retorted.
"I think I should be asking YOU that question."
I sighed, rolling my eyes up in the air and dramtically stated "You know what... Fuck it.. " and started walking away. I grabbed my bag off the bench and began walking.
Within a few seconds, some large force grabbed me around my hips and turned me around. Ofcourse it was jason. He had me in a lock within his arms.

"Jason, Let go of me. Right. Now." My voice was low and threatening.
"What if I don't want to?" He whispered saucily, raising his eyebrows.
"I'll make you, that's what. And I'll start singing, and then you will definately want to let go." I maintained my serious face, while he smiled at my joke. UGH! Bad time to make a joke Pat.
"I know you Pat... You wanted to kiss me. Don't try and hide that fact." He smirked and gave a quick glance at Sarah.

Everything he said was pissing me off so much. I was boiling through my ears. Ugh, he had the audacity to say that I wanted him. And that too in front of mega bitch over there.

"JASON. LET. GO. OF ME. NOW!!" I started struggling out of his arms, wriggling and worming like a fish trying to release itself from a net. Lord, his grip was strong. Okay, I won't lie, it felt good, damn good. But after everything... after all the shit I went through.. No. Jason Dire?
Definately not. I struggled more and then began swinging around my bag.

"Jason, with this bag in the right place, you would never have children again. LET GO." I screamed, while he calmly kept a hold of me, his arms locking me right next to his toned body." Just.. STOP. STOP. Stop FUCKING touching me. Just dont touch me. Let go!" He wouldnt. He moved his head from side to side.
"Jason." I gasped, my face crumpling "Please, just... please.." Before I knew it, I was in tears. "Please just let go of me Jason." I whispered through my tears. His grip loosened, and I picked up my bag. I mumbled "Thank you" as he motioned something to Sarah.
I began walking away, sniffling, wiping away the tears that were flowing from my eyes. I had to get my act together, I never cried! Before I knew it, he was by my side again with his arms around my shoulders. What was it with all the touching?

"What was that all about Pat?" He whispered.
"Nothing. I just dont like people touching me okay?" I wouldnt look at him, but all the while I could see him staring me down. I looked around. Sarah was in the car, looking at herself in the side view mirrors and putting on more eye liner. She looked like she had a black eye now.
"Oh really? Even your girlfriends?"
"Well.. no it's different. Just. Jason, that whole scene was completely unneccessary."
"What?"
"Look, I would rather not have this conversation. I mean. You are touching me now. Stop!" I pleaded, looking into his eyes and he dropped his arms to his side. We stopped walking, and stood on the pavement by the exit of the school gates. He looked at me.
"Babe, what is wrong?" He frowned.
"Nothing. Jason, nothing. I mean, after everything you had done to me..."
"What? Everything I did...." he interupted.
"Yeah.."I continued, " after all that time I had to spend in the hospital, and all that shit I had to go through, All because of you - you REALLY expect everything to be cool between us?" I asked. I was agitated and my voice was wavering slightly.
"Pat, I thought you were over that?" He asked with genuine concern, his forhead crinkling up, the way it always did when he was really concerned.
"Well I guess not. I just guess not. You and me are different. What did you think, that we could get together or something?" I laughed.
"Well ... yeah..."
I snorted. "Dont know where you were all this time. But get real."
I started walking away, and he just stood there, all the while, looking at me with a frown.
"Oh, and dont try any of your pathetic stunts on me again."
He just stood there, dumb founded, eyes into the distance. His hair was ruffled thanks to the wind, and he stood there aloof. It hurt me to say all that to him, but he had to know that it was never going to be cool. We had a couple of months of friendship, but that was it. He was only doing it for charity.

I was some charity case for him, and looking after me was the only way to get over the guilt.

The guilt that he almost killed me.

2008 - Finally Over.

2008-12-31T20:36:00.006+03:00

Its about three and a half hours to New Year where I am, and to be honest, I don't really care.
Yes, Ive been invited to a party or a "Get together" and yes, I was planning to go out, but I seriously, couldn't care right now.

New Year seems to be a reason for everyone to get horrendously drunk, and throw confetti in other people's drinks, and not much else. I don't particularly enjoy New Year partys, probably because of my young age, and I'm not allowed to drink so why bother?
So instead, I have decided to stay at home with my parents, and enjoy a crisp salad, a nice barbecue, with a little bit of Sticky Toffee Pudding and Chocolate, covered in baileys for desert.

For some reason, that thought does not make me too happy, and being at home bores me. But the thought of beign witha group of judegemental friends whos only agenda is to look cool in the presense of our fellow friends from school. Smoking and Drinking is fine - I don't mind it, really. But I hate why they do it. Its because they think they are on top of the world, and that all their issues are going to go away by drinking, and they are on top of the world. Think again. It makes me nauteaous. Plus. If there are hot guys there, don't want to get carried away.

2008 was not the year I expected it to be. I guess that I was partly in fault for that as my expectations were too high. It started with a flu, and ended with a simple dinner with my family.
On the way, it was truly, one hell of a rollercoaster ride - some parts which made me really want to fall off the fricking ride, and maybe find peace in that way.

So what was so wrong this year? I screwed up things with 2 of the guys I like, both of them who I felt strongly about. I really liked one of them, and was about to tell him and he left for fucking baording school. My dad passed away, and its still etched there, pretty hard to forget it.
main issues have been offshoots of my dad leaving though. I stopped talking to my family, stopped being open to my friends. I just retreated into this world which was my own, and this world which no one would really understand except my mum and maybe 2 other people. It's been lonely. 2008 has been lonely, but I admit, thats my fault. My distance with my friends and my constant depression has driven them away. In the mean time, I had some major fights with my best friends, one about not being open with them about the guy I liked and one because I chose to join another group for Camp. It was ridiculous, but it was big enough to affect me. At times, me and my mum had issues, but hey, its okay right?

But saying all that, theres been some great moments. For one, I did great academically in all my June exams, maybe not as great as I could have, but definately good. Another thing is that I did great in my piano exams. I had a great summer holiday in Hungary, Austria and Czech Republic, which really was something else, and I had a fabulous time with my family. Also, it was the first time in a couple of years, which I felt I had a really great birthday, and that people at school really did care you know? It felt wonderful. I made some great friends, guys and girls, who I never thought I would be friends with. My Best friend came over for the forumlae one race and it was the first time in two years and a half that I had seen her, and boy I missed her like hell. She was one person who I felt I could be myself around. But the best moments this year, I think have been the ones I had with my mother.

She has been with me the best she could, and yeah, hell we had our bad times, but we had great times too. We would start bawling out in laughter in the most randomest of places, but at the same time we could be screaming at each other in a cafe. There was one time when she was screaming at me in the super market,a nd said some pretty harsh things. I was crying for ages, it was hurtful. But that always happens. Me and my mum are too similar to eachother, too stubborn, too everything. But Most importantly, she taught me some really crucial lessons this year, about who I am, and who I could be. That no matter what anyone says, no matter what my history or my genetics dictate, that I can be what ever I want.
And the surprising thing is, this year, my mum has given me a lot of choices, rarely forcing me into anything. I just hope me writing this does not make me want to take back my words.

2008, Mentally has been quite taxing for me, and exhausting. People say "Life is what you make of everything" - and I get that. But sometimes, your heart and your brain and body are saying compeltely different things. There were times when I wanted to do stuff, but I didnt feel like, I couldnt mentally achieve things I wanted to. It was the first year I was really feeling such complex and varying emotions, all at the same time.

2008 was largely some terrible nightmare. Im really hoping this might be the year that my luck changes. hope that January 1st 2009, is when I wake up and face the realities of a better world.

Things I should have said, but I didnt.

2008-12-31T18:43:00.003+03:00

These are some things that I wanted to say this year, but I didn't. And maybe I should have.
I stole this post idea from Esha (sorry D: ), because I don't want to end this year feeling bad.

I wish I had gone with my gut instinct and just told you how I felt, before it was too late.
I really wish I hadn't cried, but seeing you just hurt me.
I love you so much. You mean the world and a bit more to me, please dont leave me.
If you think your three minute lectures are going to change my life, think again.
Are you seriously having this conversation with me?
Do You think I'm stupid? All I want is a bit of transparency.
You are the only reason I want to leave, but you are the only reason I stay.
I don't know who you think I am, or what kind of girl you think I am, but I'm not one of the girls you can fool around with. And I refuse to be manhandled by some chauvinistic, testosterone filled adolescent.
Fucking off when I needed you the most, is not the way to repay for everything I did and would do for you.
And, Yes, I fucking mind.

I think thats all for now. I might update later, if I feel there's something I missed out (:

I've been Away for a While Now.

2008-12-21T14:26:00.002+03:00

So its the Christmas holidays. Merry Christmas. (:

Apparently, tis the season to be jolly, but I'm not quite there yet. Actually, I haven't felt all that jolly in... well - 11 months and 5 days really.
Guess it's been a hard year.

It doesn't really feel like Christmas break to me anyways. Normally, ever year by this time I would have sung in about 2 or 3 Christmas concerts, and that would have really got the Christmas thing going. Also, Usually at the end of November, though I'm not Christian, me and my mum put up the Christmas tree. We didn't get a chance, what with my piano exam at the end of November, and then my practice exams the following week. Plus, what was the point? We were on holiday the whole of this month in any case, so we wouldn't see it at all.
But still, I sort of wish we had.

Yesterday, my mother, her sister and I went to some of the Churches in town.
Of course, the churches in South India are nothing compared to the splendors of the cathedrals of Europe. In fact, these churches were bare and unimpressive by comparison, with no stone walls and in Europe the ceilings would not have an inch of space which was not covered in virtuoso art work, and the statues molded in pure gold, with sculptures real enough to give you goosebumps. But these churches, were simple, but still with beautiful statues - no candles though!!
The real beauty of the church, I felt was the sheer peacefulness of all three. People were sitting in the alter, eyes closed, mouths softly whispering words of prayer, but a needle dropping would have been heard. It was pure delight to simply be sitting in such calm and soothing atmospheres, especially when in South India, it is difficult to find a spare moment to think, what with the constant beeping of horns, and busy market places situated around every corner. Its chaotic.

Ill put some photos up of the town later. (:
Till then, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Explosive Emotions

2008-12-21T13:45:00.003+03:00

For three whole days she stayed composed. Head up high, never letting her guard down.
Some may have called this selfishness, others may have called it survival. A man must do what he or she has to, just to survive, lest it means being cowardly - but anything to get by. It was what she lived by. Anything to keep sane. No more breaking down, not anymore.

For three whole days she stayed composed. Head up high, never letting her guard down.
She refused to succumb to trying tears; she refused to succumb to the never-submitting grief; she just refused. It was many a month since she had decided to convert herself into a life of numbness and refusal - but it worked, for the time being at least.

For three whole days she stayed composed. Head up high, never letting her guard down.
But then, it all changed. All it required was some fool's ignorant words to pierce through her plastic film of protection which secluded her from all the pains of else where. They kept repeating the same words, kept re-telling the same stories of those horrific events of the past - events which she wanted to forget; events that were best kept deep inside her. The words were like daggers in her soul, sharp, and the words kept shaving away th protective exterior. Could people not be compassionate, and keep their ignorant thoughts to themselves? What did they know of the struggle she went through? What did they know of anything that concerned her grief? Nothing. They knew nothing. And yet they could not silence their momentous mouths and every word grasped her like a vulture claws it's prey.

The film that kept her heart within her began to show its weaknesses. Hurt started spewing, sadness began flowing, and the denial would not stop exploding. Her body, mind and soul was erupting with the singeing hot lava of emotion that was never ending. It was erratic, and powerful, spewing through her veins, all indulging, and impossible to control. She was falling to the powers of emotion, like she had not don for 11 months - and it was killing her inside. Tears? Ha, that would never be a possibility. Cry? Never. She would not give into the satanic figure of tears. They were cruel and she had cried all her tears away months ago. There were no more tears left to cry in those eyes of hers.

Instead, anger bubbled within her, like a beast trapped for a millennium, hoping for it's next prey. She wanted to scream, she wished to shout, she longed to hurt something with such urgency, that her own anger would be considered frightening by most. Her heart began racing, her pulse quickening, her eyes narrow.

It was from then, that all went downhill, on what was supposed to be a peaceful two week vacation. It had now become much more. Now it was a fortnight of nightmares, ever etched into her mind like a river permeating into the landscape, and she could not escape. And slowly, ever so slowly, it was killing her on the inside.

Twilight

2008-12-16T20:02:00.004+03:00

Completed reading Twilight.
In two days.

Twilight is fast becoming the new Harry Potter Series, what with the release of the movie, and its unfathomable detail that is embedded within the text.
Though men may find the text a little bit too on the romantic side, the majority of girls I know seem to fall head over heels, instantaneously, for this tail of two high school students, one of whom is a vampire. Funnily enough, I have in fact seen a few men reading the book IN PUBLIC!! Surprising as it may seem, the book seems to hold some factor which attracts the male psyche and "it's little detail and action packed-ness is actually quite appealing to guys." according to a friend.

Myself, I cannot say if I am a fan myself, though. I enjoyed the book thoroughly, but I doubt I would put myself through the strain of reading it again. The book emphasis's Bella's feelings to such an extent that it becomes tedious. And it gets worse - She's prepared to leave hr life, her friends, everything, for a guy who might possibly end up killing her in a horrid death.
Saying all that, I cannot deny that I enjoyed the book. It was some where between a mushy love story and a thriller, all in one, so it was good. But all a bit too confusing for me personally.

Ugh, and Robert Pattinson just ruins Edward. If you haven't watched the movies, DON'T. Read the book FIRST and THEN watch the movies. Dont even watch the trailer, it de-rails the character of Edward in it's entirety.

Sigh. Edward is the dream of many girls around the world - me included.

I've been away for a while now.

2008-12-13T03:15:00.002+03:00

Okay, Its been over a month and a half since I wrote, but I promise I have good reasons.

The last two months or so have been two of those filled with confusion, catharsis and I have been drowning myself in my own self doubt and lack of confidence. Whirling through the spirals that have been put in front of me has not been easy, and Im trying to make the most of this time in my life as I can. Okay okay. HOLD UP. Why all the philosophical talk?

Well in the second week of December, I was supposed to make a decision that is quite siginifcant to my future. The only problem was, I was so fucking busy with everything else, I could not even think about it. I had to choose my subjects before college. But how the eff was that supposed to happen without me knowning what I wanted in College? I dont know what I want in my future.
There are those who are certain of what their future contains for them, but there are those of us who are less sure. I hold the problem that not only am I happy with practically all the subjects I partake in, but I beleive that I can perform in these areas to a reasonably high standard. In Addition, it seems that no one is encouraging me into a certain career path including my parents and I cannot see myself doing anything in particular in the future. Some of my collegues are the type of people you can look at and know straight away and imagine them taking a certain line of career. But me - nope. No fucking clue.
And no one else really seems to know either. People can only see me doing music. And everything else, they are not so sure about. So what should I do?
Ofcourse, some would say I have AN AVERAGE brain, but I lack the willing to go into so called "academic" subjects such as medicine, law or something else. Ofcourse, If I brought myself to the right mind set, I could always make myself believe that really these career lines were fulfilling, and I would work hard no matter how much I hated or loved what I was doing - that's what I do. I work.
One thing I know I wouldnt mind doign for the rest of my life is music, but apart from that, Im not sure. But lets be honest. Music? Hahha. I might as well get on my knees and start begging right now.

Anyway, Holidays have started, but either side of the holidays have mock exams, so I have to study. Hopefully, this holiday will give me more time to blog, though Ill probably spend the majority of the time on piano and studying.
Nice to blog again.
More will be coming soon :D

Piano Grade 8

2008-12-10T03:58:00.002+03:00

For those of you who do not know, Grade 8 is the final exam in Music for the ABRSM board, its almost like doing the SATs/A-levels/IB in Music but a practical version.
It was on the last two weeks of November, and what with my trip to Cyprus, I was not sure about whether I would even pass. It was terrible.

Anyway, I did my exam - I GOT A MERIT! YEAH BABEH! A GRADE 8 MERIT!!!!!!!!
its the second best possible mark that you can achieve, which Im thrilled about :D
Im so happy (: and proud of myself too I guess. Its a great achievement.

The only thing is that if I want to go into university and study music, I will need a distinction (which is a higher mark) to get in, and I dont know if I want to go through the trouble of doing an exam all over again. Its too much hassle, but I guess it will be worth it, especially if I love music so much.

Ahh good times. :D

Dearest Maria

2008-11-04T09:21:00.002+03:00

Maria,

Were you serious?
Were you serious about what you asked me?

When we have not talked online or even any where else for weeks, you have the audacity to come online and ask me for some of my help and my work.
Do you honestly think I am that kind of person?
Do you really think I would sink so low as to do all your work for you or help you, when you ask me to even though I dont have time?
Do you think I would just pass around my blood, sweat and tears, JUST because you "did not have the time" to ever TRY to do something yourself?

No. I don't think its okay that you just ask me for my work whenever you want to.
No, it's not alright not to talk to me again for another couple of weeks until you need something off me again.
No, I'm not your friend, not when you are acting like this, and quite frankly I would not want to be.

I don't see you in weeks, and when I do, I come up to say hi and give you a hug. You see right through me and go hug some one else without giving me a second glance or saying hi. You can go screw as many guys as you want, be as bitchy as you want, be as lazy arse as you want, but that is not my problem. Go party on the weekends as much as you like, smoke as much as you like, drink as much as you like, just don't come crying to me afterwards. I think I'ev just realised that you are truly pathetic.

Just fucking remember:
I am NOT some object at your disposle.

Go get something done yourself for once, whore.

That look in his eyes.

2008-10-24T11:57:00.012+03:00

It happened to be my birthday two days ago, but unfortunately, I feel I may not have time to describe the events of the day in full detail right now.
It ended up being a great day, despite the fact that I had only just completed a 4 and a half hour, tedious entrance exam to a boarding school I was applying to.

After the exam, I walked to chemistry, as that was the next lesson. Chemistry was usually interesting, mainly because of the object sitting in front of me, and as a subject it was not too tedious at all. As usual, the teacher promptly set us some work after giving us a spoken explanation of the topics, and left the pupils to it. He never seemed to mind if we did the work or just chose to render away our time discussing pointless gossip in his class. Recently, I had begun to actually pay attention in my chemistry classes, and seemed to be enjoying it more and more as days went by, which was unusual, and unlike my counterparts in class, I spent most of my chemistry lessons paying attention, and actually finishing the set tasks.

This lesson, I chose to give myself a break, I had been on the trot for about 2 weeks running, and plus, everyone else was socializing, and I thought i deserved it - it was my birthday after all. I had just finished a 4 hour exam, so I sat around talking to my friends. A while later, Graham joined me and the four other friends that I was talking to. He usually joined my friends in Chemistry, and despite being the only guy in our "Gang" he seemed very comfortable.

My three friends were sitting on the opposite side of the table, while me and graham sat on one side, next to one another. Occasionally, another member of the class would join us briefly in our discussions. We talked about every subject under the Sun, and soon my friends asked me how my exam went and I gave a detailed answer about how the Maths and Chemistry was unbelievably hard, but History was satisfactorily done. Most girls my age, find it necessary to serve compliments over generously, in the one hope that they will get complimented back, and therefore, the friends began screeching on about how they would miss me when I was gone, and asked me why I was leaving. To be honest, I was flattered they cared so much. All through this, Graham stayed silent. He said practically nothing when the topic of my leaving the country was mentioned.

As the topics of discussion shifted onto other subjects, Graham kept looking into the distance, and said practically nothing - unusual for a person of his intellectual standards, who some opinion on almost every topic. He kept looking own to his long, slender hands and shuffling on his stool, often, but still did not say much. I felt as though something was wrong. Yes, maybe Graham irritated me to incredulous lengths, but that did not stop the fact that I cared about him more diligently.

I leaned to the right slightly, and softly asked "Are you Okay Graham?" in his ear?
Just then, the rest of the table chose to go extremely quiet, as their previous topic of discussion had dissipated. They were all listening, and all said "Yeah, what's wrong?"
He put on a smile and looked at all of us, "Nothing, I'm okay guys!" and seeing my questioning and disbelieving look on my face he added "I promise, I'm fine!".

When the rest of the the table (which included 3 other girls, and one other guy who had joined the conversation) begun talking again, I asked the question again.
"I'm Fine, really, I am!" he replied.
I then told him "It's just that you seem ... very pensive I guess. Like you are thinking about something deep. What's wrong?"
"You know. Just stuff. I was just thinking." was his reply. I could see he was hesitant in saying any more, as the others ha begun listening to us again. His eyes, said it all. I left the subject for the time being.

About 10 minutes later, I could not resist but ask again. By this time, the others were in full flow conversation, so we would not have the misfortune of being over heard this time.
"I know something is bothering you Graham - what's wrong?"
"Seriously, it is okay. Just stuff. I was just thinking." he retorted, with his face looking down at his pale hands again. He looked almost embarrassed, unusual for such a confident individual.
"Thinking about what? You know you can tell me." I then said, moving closer to him, so he could tell me.
"You really want to know Pat?" He looked up, looking straight into my eyes, his blue eyes molding my eyes into place.
"Of course I do silly! What you thinking about?"
"Just.. things you know?" he says.
"Graham, what things? Something's really bothering you..."
"Pat.. honestly?" He stared into my eyes again with a craggy intensity. I look back, glancing back and forth between my hands and his face.
"Yes Honestly." I said, digging deep into his eyes, seeing the sincerity with which he told me.

"I was thinking.... about..."
"About?" I butted in.
"About.. you leaving." was his reply, with a sad smile on his face.
"Hahhahaa" I laughed loud, tilting my head back, knowing that Graham was more than capable of making anything sound sincere. "Sure, Graham. Funny. But if you didn't want to tell me what your thinking about, that's fine, just don't lie." I smiled, hoping to laugh off the somber look on his face.
"No. I'm serious."
I looked into his eyes, and he looked straight back, with that brooding confidence, making me jittery on the inside. I was strangely unnerved by his confidence and the sincerity with which he spoke. I had no reply, no clue what to say. I was lost in that sky of blue in his eyes.
"Graham, you probably cant wait for me to leave." I stuck my tongue out at him. "Don't lie, silly." I grinned.
His face remained somber, but looking into the distance. His eyebrows were tilted, his face in concentration as he said "Why would you think I was joking? I was serious Pat."
I looked at him in disbelief. My face was serious now. I moved my head side to side, shut my eyes and whispered "I don't believe you Graham. I just don't believe you."
He looked around, and almost looking hurt, and said "Why don't you believe me?"
"Come on... I just... I ... " I stutter. Look around the room. "I just... i find it hard to take you seriously sometimes, that's all." I say. He shakes his head, looking away in disappointment.

Later on, I began talking to him, and out of the blue, he asked
"Why don't you believe me Pat? I was serious!"
"uhm... well.." Once again, I was at a loss for words "I just don't trust people. I don't trust my own friends, not properly anyway." He nods, looking out of the window again. I expected some form of harsh reply from him, but got none.
Instead all he said was "Fair enough. Trust should be earned, and not just given."
He gave me another piercing blue stare, entrancing me forever, in this eternity of fiery independance. My heart palipitated with just one look from him, and I was changed.

We spent many minutes talking, but at times, I'm so concerned in impressing him that I do not know what to say to him anymore. Infact, it has become almost difficult for me to do so.
But at the same time, we think so alike, and our humour is not dissimilar. We are so alike that it is almost scary for me - whether he notices it or not, I do not know. But there are definately times when I feel that we could become good friends, great friends, maybe something even more if we let ourselves. I have myself to blame for trying to keep my distance. But I'm not keeping me distance. Not anymore. All this time, I tried to keepm y distance, tried to deny that I had feelings for him, but I can't do it anymore. I guess I was always too scared to take a risk, because I've been hurt in the past, and anytime that I DID take a risk, there was no good outcome. But I guess, things dont just happen by themselves.
The thing that worries me is the fact that Graham's eyes are enough to make me melt on the inside, and one hug, and I melt on the inside.

You can't get if you dont put yourself on the line. Take risks. Put yourself on the Line. Do something different.

Not 3 days...

2008-10-19T21:17:00.008+03:00

Not even three days to my birthday and I feel depressed.
Its been a while since I've actualyl felt excited about my birthday, and infact this year was the first year in about 4years that I've felt relatively happy about it. Ha, but what happens?

Murphy's Law. Murphy's Law states that everything that can go wrong will. So I start arranging a party, and it goes okay. My weekend goes pretty good too. But then last night, my mum threw a fit, this morning was no different. She screamed her head off, and I had to go to her office to finishprinting a project of mine and she was swearing at me in front of her colleagues. It was so embaressing. She said some of the most hurtful things in the world too. It killed me inside. She might as well have tore my heart out and fed it to lions.

And then, I feel like crap as I walk into school. And who do I see? The last person I wanted to see just then. Graham. He comes upto me and says "Pat... Im so sorry but I cant make it to your birthday..." and all I can think of saying is "Truly, Im too upset to care right now." We discuss what is wrong with me for 5 minutes but I recieve no explanation for why he can't make it. I guess a part of me does not want to know either. What if it's for someone else's party. Maybe its something else. All i know is that I dont know why hes not coming, and that did not help my day.

A part of me was really hoping he would come. But at the same time, Im compeltely prepared to have a shitty birthday dinner like I always do. Its not a big deal anymore. And the thing is, I was compeltely prepared for Graham to say no too. Its like... I dont know. He acts like he really cares about everyone, but when it comes to real things, I doubt he cares. I just stopped understanding him. Ive stopped understanding everyone.

My mum refuses to tell me whats going on in her head. And i know something's up, and I can sense it, but she wont tell me. Instead she screams at me and she gets at me . Over and over. And I'm trying my best not to retort, because it will make her more angry. It seems like the more I try not to scream back, the more she wants to shout. Its terrible. But I'm jsut trying to be considerate. Where does being considerate get anyone? No where. That's where.

Overall, a total dampner on my mood. Might not have a party at all now. I just dont think Im prepared to have a failed birthday party again, especially not after the CRAP birthday party I had in year 7 where I had invited 32 people, and only 3 showed. Oh jesus. I can't face it again.

I can't face anything again.
Psh.
Esha, Hope you are having fun darling (: Wish you were here.

Oh JAAIIISOOS.

2008-10-14T22:48:00.003+03:00

Oh geee, what a hectic couple of weeks.
I've been wanting to write about just about everything for a few days but no time!
GAAAAAAAAH. I HATE YOU SCHOOL.

School has been utterly crap, but Im dealing with it.
Graham feels the need to be nice to me all the time despite the fact that Im such a bitch to him.
My friends are acting so weird: So Im giving them the 'I dont give a fuck treatment."

I had a history essay which I finished in one day (4000 words babaaay!).
And then I went and owned everyone some more because I finished a music composition which was 4 minutes long within a couple of days and an English essay on the Crucible which was like 3500 words too. Its funny how much bull shit you can write about a book if you want to.

Today, I skipped school so I could finish off my geography project. We were given the project in early July, and I never started it till last night. It's in for Thursday, so you can imagine the sort of rush Im going through. 4 months of work to be done in less than 4 days. Its crap. I hate that im such a procrastinator.
Basically, I have one more night to finish off 30 or 40 pages of writing for my geography project. And it sucks balls.
I havent practicied piano in 2 weeks and I have a GRADE EIGHT exam in less than a month.
Oh and that along with 6 pages of history notes (but notes arent hard so I'm all good.)
Hahaha. Im so screwed. Seriously. Im so screwed for piano and school that it is actually really funny.

Im writing this is a massive rush because I need to get to sleep, so I sound like a fucktard.
But hey. Whatever.
I feel good that I just wrote something again.

I miss writing, I really do.
(I think the geography is getting to my head O.O )

Update-ma-bobs.

2008-10-04T16:29:00.004+03:00

Well I have about 3 posts waiting to be published but I just dont have the energy or strength (nor time) to finish them.
This week has been mad. We had a five dy holiday, of which I have managed to miracouslously have an argument with my mother every single day. Also within this torturous period, I have also had a massive fight with my best friends.

They got really mad because I didnt tell them about Graham.
The kind of things they said were harsh, upsetting and they might as well have stabbed my in my heart. They were beign such hypocrits and when I tried to say that all they kept saying was "Stop trying to turn this around Pat"
Well. Screw You. Because if you were real friends of mine, you would have understood what I was saying, or at least tried to understand. No matter what I said, it just wasnt good enough for them so, I gave up trying. And they ran away from our MSN conversation. I dont need friends to keep me up, because believe me, I have been through some pretty shit times without you, thanks, and I can do it again.

SOOOO I have been extremely depressed because they were bitchy. And so I wasnt in the mood to post anything.
Ill post them soon, maybe when I dont have a headache either.

Oh, I went boating (AGAIN!!!) and it was nice. I fell asleep on the front, and it was so relaxing, a nice nap it was. Today me and mum were supposed to go for an hour and a half of walking (yes in the 45 degree celcius heat) but it ended up being 3 hours.
So Im really tired right now, and shall post later.
And plus, Ive got a headache and am still partly grounded.
(got grounded on the first day of the holidays. Shit.)

Dear Anna.

2008-10-03T19:39:00.004+03:00

Dear Anna...

Before you say anything, or choose not to, I want you to hear what I've got to say. And I dont care how stubborn you want to be about it, or what you think, I just want you to back into it from my perspective.

I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry. But I guess for you it isn't enough. It never was. It wasnt last time, when I did something you didnt like. I apologised no end and all you said was "Okay" or "fine.". Anna, there's a basic thing called respect and politeness. Maybe you should find out what it is because the things you said to me were plain rude and hurt my feelings. You might argue that I was rude when I didnt tell you about him. You might argue that I hurt your feelings.
But the amount of times over the past month and a half that you have made me feel like some inferior piece of shit makes up for it.

Okay, Duke Of Edinburgh, you knew my reasons for leaving. I was purely standing with Fish, because I was talking to her. Oh come on. So what if I joined the other group? Anna honestly, what annoyed you more? The fact that I joined some other group or the fact that I joined your ex-boyfriend and his current girlfriend's group. Oh wait. You will never admit that you still love him will you? So, I guess its not that. You wouldn't know whats going on so you wouldnt let me finish saying what I was saying.

And last week, what the fuck was all that about Anna? Okay, I didnt tell you. But what if I had told no one? Would it have made a difference? Because, I wonder, just sometimes, whether it was because I told the other two and not you. Was it? Was your ego hurt? I didn't tell you. And then you call me up, and you say "Pat, what the fuck has been going on?" And you end the phone call with "Okay, whatever, I gotta go." because you won't say anything else to me. And then you started on msn. Saying shit like "Oh our trust goes down to ammature level." and that you "cant trust me as a friend" Well okay to all of that.
But more than any of the above that you said to me, what hurt me the most was when you started saying shit like "I can't believe you didn't tell us about him. You should have told us."
Hahaha. I should have told YOU? The same way you told me about your ex right? You said "Do you know how it feels? How would you feel if you had to know that I liked someone through someone else?"
And I was thinking: I do know how it feels. Because its happened with me. When I had to find out you were goign out with someone from someone else and you didnt tell me for 3 months. And then pretending like you never liked him. Your not kidding anyone.
And You want me to tell you? The same way you tell me everything? Because Anna, we are on the same fucking bus and you don't talk to me then. So how does that make ME feel.
In Science, Im there, right in front of you and all you can talk about is something Indian. Something about Bollywood. Even then. Any input given is just ignored. Im in your classroom at breaks, and you barely say hi.

And if you can say that "none of this should make a difference" like you did on MSN that night, you are so fucking wrong. Because all of it makes a difference. It all adds up to why I didn't feel like I could trust you enough to tell you.
It hurt me when you said "Dont sensationalise every fucking thing Pat. And dont try to turn this around on me."when all I did was give my fucking opinion.
I wasnt even allowed that .

So dont expect me to say anything to you. Ever. Because really, I cant give two fucks any more. You hurt me, I apparently hurt you, but if you cared, you wouldnt have said even half the things you did.
But you know what I've learnt Anna? That you cant trust anyone in this life, except for yourself.

With much resentment,
Pat.

Snm.

2008-10-01T22:04:00.008+03:00

Yesterday was a weird day. We had holidays as it was Eid (Eid Mubarak everyone!)
So yesterday was suddenly made a national holiday, and I took the day off. I had been eating my head off for the last few days and finally had the chance to relax.
Spent all day on the computer, playing the piano and watching all of Grey's Anatomy Season One. Then watched PS I love you and that was about it. No. Didnt get any work done. Im sorry.

So, mum comes home and I hear her coming in and go to the top of the stairs. She says her usual "Haiiiii!" and i say "Haiiiii Maa" back. She asks me if theres any ice cream left (first thing after she gets back, we love our ice cream) and I say no because I ate it all.
And dear fucking lord.
Did she go mad or did she go mad?
What happened next, I shall keep within the walls of my house as it was horrid. We said horrid things, she hurt me, I hurt back.
Then, she gorunded me, took my phone away and wouldnt talk to me. I hate her sometimes. This is why I want to go to boarding school.

This same weekend, I had a massive fight with two of my best friends. It was crao, Blah blah. I dont wanna talk about it. Screw this.
Sigh.

Everytime something goes good, something else kicks me down.

Boating.

2008-09-27T09:36:00.005+03:00

If anyone lives in an area with relatively nice sun, and nothing else to do, like the Middle East, I definitely think you should hire a boat once every month or so. And a really big cruiser type one which can fit a load of people on it.

One of my mum's friends owns a boat. No, he is not a rich bastard, actually anything but. The boat itself is very old, and when him and about 4 other of their friends bought the boat, it was in severe disrepair. They split the coast of the old boat 5 ways, and repaired it and right now, it looks bloody fantastic really.
No, there are no wood paneled walls or stainless steel kitchen, but its small, cosy and not to posh. You could feel at home in it.

It's got this lovely deck on the front, where about three people can lie down (a bit squished) and its so peaceful. When you have a boat going at some nice speed with wind blowing through your hair, the waves lapping and a temperate sun, it doesn't get too much better.

The thing was, it was just me, my parents and an elderly couple (who own the bought), and we were all lying down thinking. We don't need to make small talk, or fill in the gaps of silence, because everyone is just so relaxed. I think it was a great distraction for my parents too.
I got some really nice pictures too, of the sun setting and the blue sea.

We brought some snacks on board and spent the whole day on a big boat. And the saddest thing is, I wish it happened more often.
You should definately try it.

P.S. I love you.

2008-09-26T20:13:00.004+03:00

Watched P.S. I love you last night.
There were scenes when I cried buckets and buckets and buckets. Like, the tears would not fucking stop.
But there were scenes when I laughed my ass off.

To be honest, I thought Hillary Swank's acting was nothing special, if at all unrealistic, and apart from Gerard Butler there are no remotely good looking guys in the movie , but comprises of mainly middle aged-balding men.

But it was still a nice movie. I guess all these movies with tragic-and-dying story lines really get to me. Okay, the plot is completely unrealistic, but who gives a fuck? It gives the message that there is hope, even after a person you have lost (whether to death or to another person), there is hope. Don't let loosing someone get in your way of moving on. "The dead will not bear any grudge for their loved ones to keep living." Basically, if you lose someone, they will want you to move on. No, not forget them, never do, but move on.

This post is really ironic, because maybe I'm trying to get some message across to myself that I should move on, and there is really hope and maybe I can emancipate myself from the past I have held. For the time being though, I'm finding this beyond difficult and honestly don't know if I can trust people again. Whats the point, when all they will do is leave or disappoint me?

Recently, I keep wondering what would happen to me if my mum passes away. And some days, when she doesn't call me for ages, I get so worried. For example, the other she said she was going shopping for about an hour. She didn't call and it had been over 3 hours since she left. I left several missed calls on her phone, got no reply. As each minute passes, I was panicking more and more. I did not know what to do. All these terrible scenarios were playing back in my head, and I started worrying - what if something happened? what if shes gone too?
My mother is my BEST friend in the world. I dont know what I would do without her. But all the time, I have this worry inside of me, that she might leave me. And it scares me shitless. (She was okay, she just went for a long shopping trip.)

This morning, (before going on an absolutely fantastic boat trip) I saw my dads picture on my dressing table. I usually keep it facing the wall, so I cant see it, but Mum keeps turning it around. I took it in my hands today and just kept staring at it. I cant really remember what I was thinking but I kept looking at his facial pictures and how he must have felt through all of his illness. I don't know if I can ever move on. His death seems to dictate ever decision, every action, every thought in my mind.

There can be life and happiness after loss. There is another chapter of your life always waiting to be written.

How can the world be so naive?

2008-09-23T15:16:00.001+03:00

- - - - This is a blog post I started about 3 months ago, but never got the chance to finish. - - - -

I really, honestly cannot see how India is supposed to become a super power in the next half of this century. There is a lack of steady power supply, probably a third of the country is not educated and corruption shadows the majority of the people. And did I mention we will soon overtake the population of China and probably resulting in India containing over a third of the worlds population by 2050.Its hard to believe right?

For those of you who do not know, a third of the population are considered middle class citizens and this country also has the most amount of millionaires in the world: Well, of course India should - I mean they have of the largest populations in the world right?

After the pathetic performance of the country in the prestigious Olympic Games in Beijing, August 2008, it seems to show an ever growing gap between China and India. Maybe such a large country such as India would bloom under a communistic rule, making it easier to run and control the people? For too long, I feel that the people and uncouth politicians have been taking advantage of democracy, having strikes whenever the slightest thing goes wrong, and bribing people to vote for a certain party in elections. It is absolutely pathetic.

I mean, look at the Indo-US Nuclear deal. The Indian government was handing out WADS (yes BUNCHES) of Indian cash to various parliaments in an effort to soap them and bribe them to vote for the passing of the deal. I'm pretty sure most of them don't even have a clue on what the hell it is. Look at China. Okay stuff like this probably used to happen on an hourly basis, but it was kept quiet but China is such a successful country now!

In India, especially in Northern parts, spending is going up by threefold. Everything is becoming more expensive as the demand for more "high class" and "labels" increases. So, we have more quality imported goods, which most of the population cannot afford, but yet the prices keep going up. Taxes also go up. So the middle class have to pay extra taxes for every penny they own and the poor can barely afford it. The Rich pay taxes but most of them have inheirted the money and have enough to last them 6 lifetimes, so its not a problem. The rich make more and more money with stocks, investment and the poor get poorer as more rich bitch smart ass young kids try to take over jobs all over India.

ON THE OTHER HAND. India does happen to be the largest secular country in the world, with Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, Sikhs, Jains and Buddhists, each of which take up a significant amount of the population. Okay, you have the occasional extremist of a particular religion bombing somewhere. But you have to admit, that was bound to happen with a population of over a billion people with more than 6 or 7 main religions right? But the majority are very considerate.

In conclusion, Ive listed a million faults with my country. But there are so many positives too, which I just don't have space to list down here. I feel like I'm so lucky to be of Indian origin at this current time in history, because I really feel that if we channeled our money and concentration (as a country) onto the right things such as fighting population growth and making education compulsory, we really have a chance at becoming something great.
Yeah, we have problems. But so does just about every other country in the world. Jai Hind, I say.

The Scorching Desert.

2008-09-20T17:07:00.000+03:00

My feet begin to burn, despite the thick one centimeter of material and large sole of my boots protecting my feet from the sickness of the sand. The feeling that someone is burning my skin alive is killing, and I don't know how much longer I can last.
All I see ahead of me is the hazy mist of gold, and a blinding ball of yellow from above, that sears through my skin, every step that I take.

About half a hazy kilometer behind are the rest of the group, with the exception of Graham, fit and eager. The Sun still burns, but I can see the end near by.
I drag my feet through the silky soft sand, wishing that the last 2 kilometres we had to walk would come swiftly and hoping our transport will arrive as soon as possible.

Closer, Closer, and finally I arrive the destination, the fabled Tree of Life. Where once Adam and Eve supposedly stood, embraced, yearning for immortality, greatness and power, which drove them to exile from the Garden of Eden. The large tree, providing shade enough for over a 100 people lies in the barren landscape, surrounding by everlasting sand and dust. Find the nearest shade, sit down and take out my bottle of water. It feels light. I hold it over my mouth and squirt as hard as I can, but nothing but a few droplets fall, my head is getting dizzier by the second.

The others have enough water just to last them for the rest of the journey. We wait patiently, hoping the ice cool air conditioned car will arrive, and I yearn to escape from the searing gaze of the Sun and the radioactive waves of heat. My head falls lighter and lighter. The transport fails to arrive, and we all end up walking an extra 2 kilometres. I throat is parched, my mouth a desert in it's own respect, my head woozy. My light bag feels heavier with each minute.
I get dizzier, dizzier. The hairs on my arms stand up as though I was being frozen by the shear heat of the unforgiving sun. I am shivering, sweating, breathing, bile slowly working its way up, climbing through my esophagus.

Before I know it, my mouth opens, and all is dark.

A few hours later, I am awake in my bedroom, vomit covering the sheets, confused and dazed as to how I arrived. I have no memory of the occasion. I scream, and scream, but there is no reply. What has happened?

School

2008-09-17T16:57:00.001+03:00

Oh gees.
2nd or, okay, 3rd week back at school and we have so many coursework deadlines! We have about a 50,000 project to do (approximately 75 pages) on geography, a 4 minute composition, 2 pieces of English, literature AND language.
Ugh. And I have not done any of it.

I'm so confused. Recently, since I have returned from India, I have not been motivated, with tons of work, and I have not been doing anything. I have a math test coming up, and I'm just not working. It worries me. I've been getting away without doing any homework because my teachers trust me enough, to know that I will do it. But i haven't been doing anything.
I don't know whats wrong.
Somethings changed after the summer, and I don't know what to do.
I don't even bother practicing the piano. Which is a true sign that something is seriously wrong.
What can I do to be the way I used to? I used to be the kind of person who completed homework the day I got it, or worked by bum off for school. Not anymore though. I dont know what's happened.

Something has changed.

2AM in the morning...

2008-09-14T19:17:00.012+03:00

Watched a part of the finale of Grey's Anatomy Season Two. It's where Izzie's to-be-hubbie/patient dies and she is wearing this GORGEOUS dress and jumps into bed with him and starts crying madly. And then later on, she has to be carried out of the hospital, and then eventually she leaves. And as she does, her face is so empty and she is looking straight ahead - Katherine Heigl does a great job, and she really looks like something has happened to her. It was a stunning finale. Seriously. Get tissues if you are watching it.
To make it worse, I kept listening to "Breathe" by Anna Nalick (also known as 2 AM). So all in all, I was completely depressed.

Then at night, I could not get to sleep. And I kept thinking about how Izzie would be feeling if it had really happened, and I could totally relate to that you know? Then (while Breathe was playing in my head) I kept thinking about when I saw my dad in hospital. And my dad the day I leaving India last summer. I could not help myself. I cried, tears slipping down my eyes and then wishing the flow of poisonous emotion would stop. But the more I tried to stop, the more I cried and cried. Eventually, I turned my lights on and started reading random books to get my head of the subject and fell asleep with an Oxford University Prospectus in my arms.

If none of you have watched Grey's Anatomy, I think you should. Or at least watch the season 2's finale. It really touched me. And i bawled after watching it. And I never EVER cry at movies. Gees. What a day. Funnily enough, I only got to sleep at about 2 Am.
Ironic.

Heres a video of Breathe (2AM) By Anna Nalick.

A BitterSweet Sadness

2008-09-12T00:40:00.002+03:00

With finding that a person that you care about greatly, does not care about you in the same way, there seems to be, often, a coldness in your heart, a lurch in the stomach.
The last few days at school have been nothing but torture for me.

I have not only been spending my nights writing up pointless 4000 word essays until 3 am, only to be woken up at 5.30 by incessant drilling outside my window, but I have been trying to exercise strict self control. Not talking to Graham, and not getting carried away has been nothing short of a task, and I do not know what I should do about it.

The last week has been rather uneventful other than that, but severely stressful. With more music activities coming up, there is this certain feeling that I will not be having much time to spare in the future, with 2 piano lessons a week, 2 flute lessons a week, flute group, choir, another gospel choir, my expedition training and my community service that I am doing.

I have to start getting fitter too! In a month or so, I am going to do a taxing expedition for which I will need to get a lot fitter, and that involves going swimming and cycling or running every day. I haven't done so much exercise in about 3 or 4 years, so I think I might struggle in great amounts.

I hate school, my friends are okay, but I am alright overall.

The Reality of the Situation..

2008-09-09T21:28:00.005+03:00

The Reality of The Situation is that I could not care less,
Friends, no friends, I
Don't think that when I'm walking around the dingy corridors by myself,
That I in any sense feel alone.
Because I don't.

When I'm walking around the grimy corridors alone,
Don' think its because I don't care about you.
But I'm not waiting a thousand years for you to stroll along and take your time,
When I have things to do.
Because I don't have time to wait around.

When I'm running through those dark, teenage infested corridors,
And I dont say hello or give you a hug,
Its not because Im ignoring you or anything.
But I dont like to be all touchy feely lovey dovey.
Because that's just not what I do.

When I'm sitting in that lightless, hole called a corridor,
Crying my heart out, unable to stop
I dont mind if you dont mind me, ignore me,
Dont feel obliged to come and pity me or coo over me.
Because I dont expect you to care like I do.

I might not seem like I care,
I might seem depressed and sad,
And I might seem like I'm not making an effort,
But is that a reason to distance yourself from me,
Like punishing me, like I've done something that bad?

I'm not a bad person.
Just don't get me wrong.
But the reality of the Situation Is, that all of you are my world,
whereas you have just been using me, all along.

-----

I had to get that down somewhere (:

Falling Away with Him...

2008-09-05T13:26:00.008+03:00

Sat in my normal seat, turning around occasionally to talk to my friends. It was our first lesson back, and a few minutes after the bell had rung, he walked in. My heart stopped.
I had not seen him the whole day, and I thought that all that I had ever felt for him, had crumbled over the Summer. I had not had feelings for him. It was a petty school girl's crush.

Same toned back, same amiable face, same infectious smile. Oh dear lord, how the holidays had been good to him once again. His shoulders had broadened, he had grown a few inches, and his body was tanned. He looked good. Graham sat down, and I put my head down, pretending to be engrossed in the arduous textbook, not having to look into his vehement blue eyes, in which one could brew a storm. My hair covered my face but from the corner of my eyes I could see him turning around once in a while, to look towards the back of the class.

The teacher had left the class, the laboratory had evolved into a conclave of excited buzzing, with questions of the Summer holiday. Each and everyone of us acted as though we were enraptured by the others enthralling summer vacation, where as the reality was that no one was mildly interested - too busy conjecturing up the next piece of gossip they could spread.

Not being able to withstand the knowledge that he was in front of me, I turned around to my close friends to discuss my Summer as they were sitting behind me. We chattered away as though we had not been away one minute through the summer, but amidst our conversation, there was a crisp and deep voice calling out "Pat" from close by. I whizzed around, only to find it was Graham, looking at me with his mischievous eyes, which always looked as though they were smiling. Is that possible? To have eyes which smile?

His half smiling face said "Hey, Pat. How are you?". I was stunned, mouth wide open, face looking solemn. I did not want to talk to him, nor look at him, nor be near him at all.
"I'm okay" I replied. Not knowing what else to say. He then started again "How was your summer? Long time no see..."
All I could think of saying was "Oh. It was okay I guess. Yeah I know, I have not seen you for two months."
At which point he laughed, contagious, and smiled at me, and said "We were away remember?" I refused to reply, and just smiled and put my head back down into my chemistry.

Later on, the teacher went into one of my long rants, which most of the class usually choose to ignore, and graham kept turning back to look at me. I was getting so pissed off by this stage, I couldn't resist but asking "What?" when he turned around the next time. And he replied "Are you okay?". His deep sea turquoise eyes seemed full of concern, and his face looked worried, but I was mentally reminding myself of how he had spent the majority of last year flirting with almost every single female object that moved. I tried to convince myself that he was just making himself feel better.
And I said I was fine. Like I always did. He turned around again a few seconds later, getting an angry retort from me going "What are you looking at?" And he asked me if I was okay. Again.
He kept doing and I just kept saying Fine. And then suddenly he said "You promise me you are okay? Because if you aren't..."
I said I was fine and told him to face the front and listen to the teacher rant. I said I was fine. He gave me a heart warming smile and turned around again. I knew that this would be a never ending, continuous lesson.

The reality was, I was far from fine. I was not fine in any sense of the word. Being around him had brought back these old memories of our long and fiery debates and the way we were friends. It had changed over the Summer. No. Actually, I had changed over the Summer. I could not waste any more time over some silly crush, thinking it was love, because it wasn't. This year is so important education wise, I could not mess it up.

Anyway, what the fuck do we know about love at this age?
Not much.

(Who am I trying to kid? We know a hell of a lot. I think so.)

The first days back...

2008-09-02T15:52:00.002+03:00

Walking into school, nothing feels different. Same thing every year.
New kids trying to look cool yet not quite succeeding, trying to hide their excitement but looking confused at the same time. And then you had those who only cared about getting their nails done and my friends were barely looking at me.
Summer had not changed a thing, but yet I felt more distant from everyone and everything than I had felt for a long time. Maybe its my fault, I kept my distance from my friends.

After Dada passed away, I fell into a spiralling depression, falling in only one direction: Down. My friends, as one may expect, got steadily impatient with me and I felt they were growing away from me. I was nervous about returning to school, and seeing what people would think of me.

I went to my first lesson of the day, Music, which succeeded in being as tedious as I had expected, due to the overly-enthusiastic teachers who did not know how to teach properly. I yawned, my friend who kept me company in music was on holiday and to top it all off, we were doing listening skills. Later on, breaktime came and went which I spent the majority of time practising my piano music.

Next chamber of torture? The chemistry lab. And that's when I saw him again. For the first time in 3 months. I thought it was over, but seeing him again made my heart stop, confirming my biggest fear: That my feelings for him had not dissipated over the summer, but were still very much intact.

School has been much of the same as last year, and nothing seems to excite me. My friends just dont seem the same, and I cant be bothered to do anything either. Well, its nice to get back into a steady routine I guess. And that is about it.

Note to Self:

2008-08-29T09:18:00.000+03:00

- - - Coursework:
* History: 2000words (+/- 200)
* Geography: Collect Data from market + Complete Intro
* Music: Finish One coursework. 2-4 minutes
* Additional Math: Revise all topics and make notes on paper, Do Questions on revision sheet and Then Misc Excerscises . Prepare questions to ask.
* Science: Look over Additional Science chapters and make computer notes

- - -If Possible:
* English: Begin writing essay. Complete?
* Do Piano every day, including Hanon, and three pieces to be finished by monday.

I want to eat my words. Seriously.

2008-08-28T16:35:00.012+03:00

Oh God. Take back everything I said. It is such a crap day all of a sudden.

As I finished that previous blog post, my mum walks in and tells me that she had a terrible day at work. We do this whole therapy session almost on the sofa in the living room, and I get depressed. As always. Me and mum have intertwining emotions I guess.

Then my friend calls me over to her place and I first said yes. Then My mum said no. So I said I couldnt go. And she started shouting at me and got really angry.
To be honest, I was really insulted because she started getting at my mum, and I HATE people who say stuff about my parents. Really. If you want to get under my skin, insult my parents and I will hate you. I didn't say anything to her face, but it't not the first time she has said some smart-arse comment about my mum.
Well I am truly sorry that My single and working mum cannot drive one hour to your house.
Geesus.

Anyway, more later. But I am in a truly pissed off mood. D:
I wish I had not said anything about us being happy. Seriously. Becuase I am not. And It just shows you that you should not say anything good because then. Some bitch is going to come and ruin it for you.

When You're Gone...

2008-08-28T16:35:00.006+03:00

I guess the last couple of days have been good. Strangely. I never thought I would miss any of my friends, but here I am, so happy having them back, and it feels great just hanging out with them.

So in a nutshell this is kind of what I did. I played a bit of tennis with my friend and I realised how much I had missed playing tennis and Squash. It was great! I loved it, and I felt good that I had actually excercised a bit.

Now, also one of my family friends wants me to teach their daughter piano, and she is lovely, so I would not mind at all! Actually I am really thrilled, because she will be my first ever student, and I think it would be good experience for me, if I do plan to teach the Piano in future!

I met up with some of my friends who I have not seen all summer and we tried on dressed and stuff. (I looked good in a dress if I do say so myself.) One of my fellow indian friends had a guitar, so she got it out and made me play, and then we went out to the park, and I played one of my compositions. Both of them were so happy and LOVED it! They kept telling me I have so much talent and that I should use it, and not keep it in like I normally do. And so I am composing and all happy in general.

Then one of my friends, came over to my mum's office and gave her a tour and it was a fun day at work you know? Then she came over to my place and another friend joined us there and we bought popcorn from the nearest cinema. Popcorn and coke in hand, we watched Mamma Mia on DVD. Despite it being the third time I had watched it, I still found it hillarious.

It's a bit weird, because I havent felt this "peaceful" in a long time. I actually feel pretty good, I'm just waiting for something to screw it up to be honest. Hopefully it will continue. I feel a bit more confident about myself right now, probably because of my friends' lovely compliments.
Only got holidays for a couple more days. AHH!

The silver lining on every cloud...

2008-08-25T15:31:00.002+03:00

For the past few days, Ive been really busy, carefully avoiding all the homework I have to do as well. I went out with one of my friends who is in boarding school in South Africa. I havent seen her for a couple of months, so it was great, we had balls of fun.

We went to to the local rugby club, to watch a rubgy match and it was amusing to say the least. As always in a rugby match, we were surrounded by good looking and seemingly shirtless rubgy players and supporters also. (unfortunately there were a lot of good looking women too, shame though). The next day, we went to a mall, and I was wearing this beautiful skirt and when we went to eat, I was being stared at by this very very cute American dude.
He was cute and muscley. yum. So overall, I feel great about myself right now, and spend less time on the internet.

We then went to watch Mamma Mia! (the Movie). I REALLY loved it. The music was fab, all these ABBA songs re-done and its really good if you just want some comedy, dont expect anything heavy. I still loved it. Then I went to a couple of my friends house yesterday, and surprisingly I fit into her clothes and she is tiny in comparison. It was great catching up with all my friends again, it feels like ages.

Composed a whole song today, I just need to put guitar and drums to it, and then it will be completely done! Yaaay! Talk to you later.

So good couple of days, I feel okay. I just wonder how long it will last.

Exam Day!!!!! Holy...

2008-08-20T21:52:00.009+03:00

Okay, well I get my GCSE Results for French, Math and Science today (because I took those exams a year early). Im so so so so SO scared, I really think I got a C or something in Science. +le sigh+

* GCSE Info:
Gcse's are the British school's system of board exams. These are the second most important set of exams you will take in regards to getting to university. They are important if you are trying to get into big Universities and are the equivalent of taking board exams in 10th grade in India : D
* Grade Info:
We have grades ranging from G-A* (A* being the best). To pass you need a C at least. And A is good and an A* is brilliant, so who knows.

Im really scared and apparently all my grandparents and family in India have been praying for me, so no pressure involved. That combined with the fact that I am pretty certain I screwed up Science and French is not good. Crap.

- - - - UPDAAAAAAATE EDIT! - - - -

Oh my dear GOD! I got:
- An A* in Math
- A* in Science
- A in French! Holy geeeesus!

My dad's family is going to be SO happy because they are in love with science :o I am so happy, and now thats a quarter of my exams done with! Wahaaay! Shame about French though, I can re-sit the exam (which I dont really want). I'm thrilled though!

The friends that matter... Dear Esha...

2008-08-20T21:52:00.007+03:00

I dont have much time, so I shall try not to draw away from the subject.

Never in my right mind would I call myself popular, nor surrounded by a group of outgoing and social friends, because I am not. Instead I am in a small group of my own consisting of mainly Indians because we have similar beliefs and good ethics in every aspect in life. I could tell these friends almost anything, if not anything, but the question is: What will their reaction be?
Everything I do in real life is restricted by the shear fear of baring the consequences and reactions of others, and I feel at times I cant tell my friends things in the real world because I do not know what will be their reaction.

[ C L I C K ] This is a post from Esha's blog. The truth is, sometimes reality can be harsh, so you can't trust people in "real life". Many people are cynical about meeting others on the internet and talking to others, but I beg to differ! Through the internet I have met people who understand me, support me and take time and effort to help me along my times of despair.

Sometimes its easier to meet and interact with people on the internet because it does not really matter what they think initially. They aren't judgemental. And if you make new friends, they can have no previous mis-conceptions of an individual that so many friends and fellow pupils in "Real" could have of you. The main reason I started using the internet so much was because I could find refuge in it, and I dont know what my friends would think of me playing on Neopets.com for example.

But I want to thank you for the support you have given (: I'm there for you too.

Dear Dada...

2008-08-17T13:08:00.006+03:00

Dear Dada,
There are many days when I cease to see why you left, or the manner in which you left. There were, there still are so many questions I have to ask you. I should have asked you when I Could, but I didn't because I didn't know how.

Where are you now? Are you happy? Are you being looked after?
You do not know what I would give to spend another day of last summer with you again, to just get to know you again. Sometimes I feel like hitting my head against the wall, sometimes I just want to pull my hair and scream, sometimes I just want to cry. But then I try to remember how that would make you feel. It doesn't really matter anymore. I don't know what to think of you Dada. You fought for 3 and a half years, I told you. I begged you to tell me what was going on. Remember?
I said "Dada, if you need anything or if you are not feeling well, please please tell me. I should know, don't keep me worried."

Funny thing is just 10 days before you left here, I was crying out Chilies restaurant because one of the girls in my class lost her father in a car accident. And i felt sorry for her, I could empathise. And i cried because I knew that somedays you were so close to leaving as well, and I was always scared that I was going to loose you to the man-eating disease. I was always scared. Just never knew it. I cried a lot Dada. But what is funny is that I didnt even know you were in hospital. I had not a clue, and yet I still cried because I was scared.
Maybe in my heart I knew something was wrong. They say that children are always connected to their parents, so maybe i just knew. No one told me Dada, I had not a clue.

And then I came to visit you in India. And I saw you the first time in the ICU, I couldn't help crying my eyes out - I had never seen you so frail in your 4 years of illness. It was one of the hardest things for me. And then I went home and I cried for hours Dada. For hours and hours, I almost couldn't stop.
Everyone was saying "Its okay, he will be fine" And i believed that too. But then why was I crying?

Then Remember, the Saturday? You asked your mum to send me to the Intensive Care Unit as soon as possible to see you. I saw you at 1pm. And it was hard not keeping the tears in. But I managed. And you held my hand, you held it so tight, as if you would never let go. I can feel it even now. Despite your fragile state you held my hand. I recall telling you something silly about my cat to try and make you laugh, but I knew you wouldn't laugh because you were so weak. And you just smiled vaguely, not being able to laugh.
Even then, Dada, even in your last moments, you were so concerned about everyone esle. You asked about Preethi, you asked about Grandad. I wanted to make you laugh. I couldnt. I wanted to bring you your Ipod so you could listen to it, and think of me. I wanted to bring you your favourite, Tang fruit Juice.
And then you said: "Pat, I can't walk. I can't walk anymore Pat."
And I replied: "It's okay Dada. Your body is a little weak now, but you will be fine in a week or so when you are out of the ICU okay?"
And you just nodded. You didn't believe me.
Then you told me to go, because otherwise the nurses would urge me to leave. I wasn't even supposed to be in the ICU but the Security Guard let me through just because you told him to let me go through.

And then I said: "Ill see you in the evening okay?" And kissed you forehead, and your hand. And let go.
And i said "I love you Dada. I love you." And I turned my back on you and walked out of the ICU, tears falling, on the verge of passing out. Preethi was outside that time you know that? Or i think it was preethi. And I cried a little more but I didn't want Grandma and Grandad to see, so I stopped.

Later on that evening, just before visiting time, you were on the respiratory. Preethi was crying her head off, and I didn't know why. The doctors said that it was just a precautionary measure. Little did I know that the Doctor had said a couple of weeks ago that "If your husband goes on respiratory, you can expect him to die."

I came to see you by the way at that time. Don't think you were alone. Because you weren't. You never were. We were always there, even your brother and sister. They never left, and I didn't except to go home and sleep. I saw you with the mask all over your face, and your hands were tied up to the bed. How cruel. As though you were some animal. You were tossing and turning and desperately trying to get it off you I think. Your sister and preethi were there. Both of them, head against the glass window of the ICU, tears pouring down their cheeks.
At the same time, you had the dialysis machine's long, pointed needle attached to your arm, and you look distraught. It was the day before you left. Remember. The Saturday? The last time I saw you alive.

Is that when you gave up? Is that when you decided it was all over, and that you couldn't face it anymore Dada? Why did you leave Dada? Was it too much? Why didn't you tell me how you felt?

One thing I want you to know is that I will always love you. No matter what fights I have with your family, your wife or no matter who marries Ma. You were my dad. You are my dad. You will always be my one, and my only, Dada.
I love you Dada.

Love, Pat.

Catch && Release

2008-08-17T12:42:00.002+03:00

The term Catch & Release refers to a "method of fishing in which some or all of the catch are released after capture, as a conservation measure." It is often done by people who fish for entertainment or a hobby.

The movie Catch and Release which was released a couple of years was given to me by this guy who ran the DVD rental store I go to every couple of days. He said "I think you will like this, why not take it?" So i took the movie, not knowing what it was about and started watching it. This was a couple of months ago, maybe in May or June?
The Dvd rental guy was right, I loved the movie. It is a movie about a woman, Gray (Jennifer Garner) loosing her fiance, and how she moves on with life after wards. The movie explores how there CAN be happiness after the death of a loved one. And thats why I enjoyed it so much. There was so much within it that I never expected out of a movie with Jennifer Garner in it, but it was spectacular. I think the majority of the reason why I loved it was because of the way I could relate to the whole situation the main characters were in.

- - - WARNING : Spoilers!
(if you havent watched Catch & Release and would like to, dont read this)
So Gray looses her Fiance and moves in with his best friends. A bit far fetched, i know, but could be true. She then finds out that her fiance had fathered a child with a woman he met in LA while visiting his best friend, Fritz, there. Primarily, Gray and Fritz dislike eachother but soon they find that through their pain of loosing their fiance and best friend, respectively, they can find love. And that happiness and love can be found, no matter where you are, when it is or anything.
- - - END SPOILER.

So why can I relate to it? It shows that happiness can be found after death. And there are a few scenes between Gray's mother-in-law which are heated which I can SO relate to! Family bitchiness for the win. There are loads of other things wihch are great. One thing I have to say is that Jennifer Garner's acting in times of emotion and sadness are EXTREMELY realistic. I think she must have gone through some big loss in her life to be able to act like that. I thought she was marvy.

But then again, this is what one of my friends had to say about the movie: " Its so pervy. Imagine falling in love with your husbands best friend. Thats just gross. And Jen Garner looks like a fish. "

So. I guess its all a matter of opinion. But I really really LOVED the movie. But maybe people who cant relate to it wont appreciate it as much.

Stop the Clocks

2008-08-16T03:51:00.006+03:00

"How is it possible to feel like time moves so fast but so slowly at the same time. It feels like years since dad left. But it's only been a couple of months. But I remember everything like it was yesterday.I try to block it out now. I find it immensely difficult to concentrate at school without distractions, so I just try to forget. I know. I know, I shouldn't run away from my problems, but I can't help it. If I don't run away, I get stuck in present time and space, somewhat like a Rothko painting. They say that time is the only healer. But right now, time must be going backwards, because I don't feel any better. Mum feels worse. My family is a mess. I feel self absorbed. Maybe I am, but I don't care.

My aunt keeps telling me that I shouldnt wish that Dad never left, because he is in a better place now, a place which is much better than we can imagine on this earth. She says that when we wish something like that we are causing him pain and its bad and we are being selfish. Well. Yeah. He was my dad you know? Ofcourse I'm going to want him back. And quite frankly, I hate it when people say "he's at peace now". Well thanks very much, but how the fuck do you know? How can a man who had so much he wanted to do in life but couldnt do, be at peace?

Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine via mail, that I met on a site, and telling her the problems that I was going through with my dad's death. She had lost her grandfather a couple of years back, a grandfather that was very dear to her. So when I began talking to her (Patty :D ) I started understanding a different perspective on death. What she said made a lot of sense to me.
Heres something she said : "Being selfish is not a bad thing. You are allowed to wish he was still here. Who wouldn't if they were in your place now? [People in Society] make you believe that being selfish is being bad. But I think life is about being able to think about yourself as well."
And something else she said touched me deeply: " Also, I do think your father will witness every happy moment in your life. Don't be afraid he will miss it. He's a spirit now. What the heck can he miss if he can be everywhere he wants now? ;)"
For some strange reason, what Patty said to me made more sense than most of what anyone else had been saying these past couple of months with regards to dad.
Patty, if you are reading this, I just want to thank you, for putting a different perspective on it. You have given me a little more peace within. (:

But From now on, no more. No more thinking, no more crying, no more mourning. I have to move on, and if that means forgetting the past, then I think that's the only option. My education means a lot, and I guess, if this gets in the way, I will have to shove it to the side because I have a constant frickin head ache that is caused my stress and I have no peace of mind right now.

Forgive me, Dad. "

Sorry it was rubbish, im too tired atm.
My mini stories are getting more are more crap. xD. Haahah. Oh well xD. (I took me about 3 minutes how to spell the word "mini" O_O ) Maybe because its like 4 in the morning.
Ive just dont about 3 blog posts in the space of an hour, and that to from 2.30 am - 3.30 am. ( and that too really long ones)
Thats funny, because i havent blogged for days. Well these posts have just been sitting around in my drafts section and right now im just publishing them. Thank you patty for the lovely mails (: Heres one of the full mails :

Drag to the toolbar ^_^

Chalk and A Boy Called Graham

2008-08-16T03:23:00.002+03:00

This is a little bit that I might want to go in my story some time, or maybe into just some story. Its not really true to anything I have encountered so far, but its edging to close. So I changed names and situations. (: Enjoy.

"Me and him. Wow, me and Graham, are like chalk and cheese, couldn't be more different some would have said, but once you took a closer look, you realised that there were many similarities between us also. The majority of our days were spent arguing over pointless things, and these were heated insults as well, cruel words coming out of both of our mouths at times.

I guess my dislike for Graham Smith began when I started "falling in love" with one of my guy friends at the time who hated him with a passion. Naturally, I began hating Smith as well, just to impress my so called "crush". I would insult him to his face, calling him names, at time being very crude and now looking back, I owe him an apology. I never never never apologise and there never seems to be the right moment. I gave him hell. I guess I am too stubborn. Like mum.

I went out of my way to get away from him because he annoyed me to such an extent that I moved tables in various classes because he was a constant agitating presence. He was my loved one's arch enemy. That added with the fact that he was apparently gay, gave me incentive to dislike him greatly. (this is hopefully false haha.)

But in 11th grade, it all changed. It was the year that changed my life. In every way. Me and Graham got closer - we had many classes together. His humour was that of a quite sarcastic type. A sort of more "laughing-at-you not with-you" type. But he was amusing and made me like no guy had made me feel before - at least not for a long time. I guess it was helped by the fact that over the summer he had grown 5 inches more, got a great tan and broadened his shoulders with all the working out. More and more girls were finding him attractive.

The day of our exam, we had arrived about 2 hours early which we were supposedly to spend revising. We went outside the hall to get some food out of our bags, because we obviously were not going to get anything done. I sat down against the wall, tired, and exhausted from the running around I had been doing trying to find my bag, and he sat down next to me. Not close, but about a foot away. We started talking, and talking, both very interested and involved within the conversation. But I never dared look at his face, just straight ahead.

A couple of moments later I was telling him about dad, and his death. Just like that. I dont know how we got on from talking about his love life to such a serious subject and what madness drove me to tell him such deep secrets of mine, I don't know. I told him how that the last 5 months had felt so long and he was nodding, like he understood and to know that someone understands how you feel, to know that someone's listening and to know that someone is there for you, makes all the difference. He told me that he was there for me. And that was the icing on the cake.

But at the same time, there were these times: we went on for days without having a proper conversation, with no real interaction. It was strange, neither made the effort, either because he saw I wasnt making the effort and so in turn he oculdnt be bothered, or he genuinely didnt care about me. I didnt and still dont know what to make of the guy.

On this same day, before my exam, I then asked him if he was religious and this sparked off a debate of science vs God. Oh dear god. It was a conversation that changed my view on him forever. His views were mature, sensible and it was obviously something he had thought about - something not very common with my age group. I missed having intelligent conversations, and he made me feel like I wasn't screaming to deaf ears. I guess my taste in boys may be completely divergant to that of other teens my age. I enjoy the company of people who are able to carry an intelligent conversation and have a good insight into current events yet are able to have fun, make me laugh. Another secret? My LOVE is for true gentlemen. The guy that always says "ladies first" out of politeness, holds the door open, offers to pay the bill. Oh dear lordie-lordie-me. Well unfortunately, I am not Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffanys" so, thats probably not happening.

I realised, that though he may not have feelings for me, what was apparent was that I cared about what he had to say. I cared about him. Weather in a friendly way or not, I dont know. But I cared, a hell of a lot. And it scared me . I was in no way prepared to let another man dissapoint me and leave again just like dad, just like all the others left me because I knew Graham meant a lot more to me than anyone could ever understand.

So I kept my distance. And it broke my heart. "

(and probably broke my exam too :P)

Your light is ultraviolet...

2008-08-15T11:39:00.005+03:00

I was listening to this song by the Stiff Dylans (they are REALLY good by the way, I love all their songs) and it got me thinking. The song's name is"Ultraviolet" and the repeating theme to the song is "Your light is Ultraviolet". Its one of those rare songs which amazed me on the first listen and I got hooked straight away - believe me, that doesn't happen often with your truly.

And to be honest, some lines are just so beautiful. Here's the lyrics:

"She is a wave and she's breaking
She's a problem to solve
and in the circle she's making
I will always revolve

And on her sight
These eyes depend
Invisible and Indivisible

That fire you ignited
Good, bad and undecided
Burns when I stand beside it
Your light is ultraviolet

Visions so insane
Traveling raveling through my brain
Cold when I am denied it
Your light is ultraviolet
Ultraviolet

Now is a phase and it's changing
It's rotating us all
Thought we're safe but we're dangling
and it's too far to survive the fall

And this I know
It will not bend
Invisible and indivisible

That fire you ignited
Good, Bad and undecided
Burns when I stand beside it
Your light is ultraviolet

Visions so insane
Traveling raveling through my brain
Cold when I am denied it
Your light is ultraviolet
Ultraviolet

That fire you ignited
Good, Bad and undecided
Burns when I stand beside it
Your light is ultraviolet

Visions so insane
Traveling raveling through my brain
Cold when I am denied it
Your light is ultraviolet
Ultraviolet

Your light is ultraviolet

"
- - - Stiff Dylans - Ultraviolet Video - - -

- - Warning: Science-y bit coming up.
Ultraviolet Radiation scientifically is short in wave length and cannot be seen by the human eye. It can cause cancer, sun burns, eye damage and much more. So its considered slightly dangerous. UV Radiation is the main reason people get skin cancer by the way! UV rays cannot penetrate the skin, so damage is usually only done on the outside of the skin, on the surface but is also the main cause of wrinkling. The damage is only on the outside. But it can be painful.
- - End Science-y Bit.

I don't know what effect the band wanted when writing that song, but geesus its beautiful. The whole song just makes sense to me. It just does.

Maybe by "your light" they mean your love? And the writer didn't see the love, but it was always there, just like ultra violet? "Good, Bad & Undecided" - well ultraviolet has good and bad features, as maybe love does?

And anyway, I could go on forever analyzing the song, because that is what I do.The song mixes so much about love with ultraviolet properties and i find that really gorgeous. Wow. I'm calling a song Gorgeous.
Maybe the song writer just got the lyrics by pure co-incidence, but I love how its written, and the tune will stick in my head for a lifetime. I truly adore the Stiff Dylans for that piece of music (: Hope there's more to come.

And happenings as per usual.

2008-08-08T16:42:00.002+03:00

Oh god. Emotional and exhausting couple of days. So in a nutshell hers what happened: I found out my cousin brother (who is five) is really smarter than I thought and is actually very intelligent. Also I found out loads about my dad just after his transplant and before he died.

Also, yesterday me and the family ended talking about my dad a lot, like all of the family together. And gees it was emotional. I was supposed to stay at my dads place with the rest of the family last night, but I ended up going to my mums place bcause I was just too upset. I cant stay here without dad. In the same night, my granddad also succeeded in irritating me in a big way.

Last night, me and my mum ended up staying up until 4 am because we were talking about various issues including dad of course. It was crazy. And then we ended up getting pissed off because i haven't got ANY of my dads things.

Annd today, my aunt and uncle had this MASSIVE fight. And the saddest bit was that I had to be the middle man. They both about to have a fit and got really emo and it was messy. Funny thing is, they have the exact same ideas and opinions, but they just act really differently.

I'm really mad, to be honest because my dad was supposed to have some money left over in a bank that was saved for me and my college education but I haven't received a single penny, and don't get me wrong, but I want what is rightfully mine I guess. I have no need of the money, I can always make some - money comes and goes. But I just guess its not fair if others are living off it. I wonder if dad thought about that kinda thing before he left...

Shall blog more on these topics later =)

Rain, Rain Never go away... :D

2008-08-05T15:19:00.002+03:00

So yesterday, I went to watch Jaane Tu ya Jaane Na, this hindi movie for the second time with my mum instead. Oh. Dear. God. What a SHIT cinema theater, seriously,Geesus Christ, the theater was CRAP.

Okay, I wasn't expecting gold, I mean we ARE talking about south India here, but the seats were crap. THERE WAS NO AC! It stank of pee. About 5 scenes of the length of 5-10minutes EACH were cut out, and there was no sound through about 20 minutes of the movie. UGH. It ruined my mood. I never knew such crappy cinemas were allowed to even exist.

Then today, was my mums birthday and it didn't start off well. I couldn't sleep at night (again) and then, I had to go to piano lessons for 2 hours today and on the way there, my mum managed to scratch all the paint of the left side of her SISTER'S car. And then my mum got all emo and it wasn't pleasant. But then we stuffed our faces at lunch, and back to the status quo.

But being in South India is so damn funny. Everyone is so cheap and disgusting that its quite entertaining.. but then it gets nauseating. Which is not good.

Over and out.

Something feels wrong.. Chapter 4

2008-07-31T17:26:00.004+03:00

So, Im in India, back home. And jeeeesaaas; its weird. I dont know, there was a huge mixture of feelings completely. So, before coming on the plane, I was nervous, and I really didnt want to come back. Then in th plan, I started crying, and I felt like a prat, but I was so scared of seeing my family again- I just didnt want to see them sad you know?

But then I came back, saw all my family. And it was actually fun, because all the family is back, including my 5 year old cousin, there was so much to keep me busy, that I wasnt feeling all that bad. Actually I was happy being back. Being with my family made me feel closer to Dada, and that was a great feeling.

But then, today... It was completely hit me. Not having Dada around the house any more just made me feel empty. There is so much noise in the house, but yet, its so quiet... no one can fill the space that my dad was in. I mean, he was just such a powering figure, and always kept everyone in the house busy, because he needed constant attention due to his illness.
The weird thing is, we all laugh a lot. A lot more than we used to, when the family got together. But I think thats just to fill the sadness. And then after laughing and talking for ages there is always this killing silence and none of say anything because we know that the other is thinking about dada. He loved laughing, he loved life, and now I guess we all have regrets.

One of my biggest regrets is that we never had the time that we deserved. As father and daughter we never got a proper chance together, which w should have. We were just beginning to get close last summer, and we never got another time where we could be the same. And I remember the night before I was leaving, last summer, he cried. He cried a lot, because he didnt know how he would be the same. And that no one would look after him like I did. It breaks my heart to think of it now.

There will always be this emptiness inside of me. Always. A large hole that eventually will start filling up with other people and things, but there will always be this small part of my soul which is going to be empty. Inside me, is an emptiness that will never fade.

We all live in our own worlds...

2008-07-28T21:19:00.001+03:00

After spending around 2 weeks in Europe this Summer, I really got a perspective on my life, and living in the middle east. You just understand how narrow and boring your world is. Seriously.

To start off with, I have been to Europe like, more times than I can remember. But this holiday had something of a bittersweet flavour. I went with my Stepdad and my mum, and it was fun - we really got a chance to pick up the pieces after all the drama we had had in April which ripped up apart as a family. And it was fun, they both seemed like they were actually in love, and cared about one another. But at the same time, it was so hard, because all three of us had very different preferences and that combined with the stress of going back to India made it hard for me to enjoy the holiday.

Its going to be the first time I go to india after my dad passed away, and I know for certain its going to be a hell of an emotional trip.

Europe is a ray of sunshine within the complete overshadowing of dark cl0uds. There is so much a person could do there, and its really great. But you couldn't help feeling that there was always this slight hostility towards me and mum because we aren't white. Just the way people looked at us and talked to us, was divergently different to the mannerisms they showed to my step dad and I cant help but resent Europeans slightly for that.

But you know, don't take this the wrong way, my best friends are from Europe. I love Europeans its just a shame that a few of them let their country down.

Face the pain, to leave the sorrow. Chapter 3

2008-07-20T08:00:00.000+03:00

I read a book a couple of weeks ago, cant remember the name now. It was a story of a family(this lady who was middle aged) who had lost recently her mother, to alzeimers and her brother was proclaimed dead many years ago to autism. Eventually the family found that the brother wasnt actually dead, just in hiding to ensure that nobody in the community knew that the brother could not support himself. He was simply hiding, for his own good. I sometimes wish that was the case for dada.

How so many people can depend upon one, single, seeminlgy insignificant thing, I do not know. The centrafeudal force of a circle, the nucleas of a cell, the heart of a man - all can be so small, but yet so vital. How?
Dada was the back bone of my family - a loving son to his parents, a protective brother to his siblings and a caring father to his daughter. As a husband, he may not have been a role model, but his ability to love and concern for his family was always sincere.

People always say that kindness in your current life will bring you a more prosperous future to come - it is the basic principles of Hinduism, Sikhism and Buddhism.*(Correct me if I am wrong, but I do believe that all 3 of these religions are based on re-incarnation. Leave a comment if it is not so.) A man reaps what he sows, right?No, wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. If that was the case, my family would be the happiest people alive, but instead they are now faced with the deepest sorrows one should face.

Im going to India again in a couple of days, and the thought of having to see my family again and seeing the room where my dad's dead body lay before they took him to be creamted, makes me shudder a million times over. I dont want to have to see his bedroom without him in it, it will be too painful. But sometimes you have to face the pain, to get over the sorrow.

Holiday Time

2008-07-17T23:03:00.003+03:00

Yaaay I'm on holiday in BUdapest (which is in Hungary btw). Im in a restaurant, so just a short post.

THe keyboard is all weird with all the 'Y's and 'Z's being swapped around and an 'at' sign doesnt really exist, neither does a question mark.

The holiday is pretty stressful and IM really nervous about having to visit my family in a couple of weeks, in India.

IM making a step by step guide to Budapest, Vienna and Prague after my holiday, soo thats something to look forward to.

Missing you guys. (no exclamations either.)

SOrry about the crap spelling, and more details later.
(happy birthday esha :D Sorry I missed it.)

Le Musicale

2008-07-10T02:24:00.005+03:00

Music, is a large part of my life, I honestly wouldnt know what to do without it. I may even choose it as a career path, or I would like to anyway.
Some people ask why? How can it be so important?

Well, you might consider it almost like .... making love? The first time you actually make proper music, there is this feeling like, wow. Your fingers hurt so much from all that practice, and you have spend months leading upto this moment, and now its here, its just - wow. And its so perfect, and you cant believe that you have actually made real music, played music, felt music like never before.

Its a feeling that comes to you one day, but may take years to get to. There is always this feeling of satisfaction when you can play a piece perfectly that no other activity can give you. Its a haven from the rest of the world, you can LOSE yourself in the harmonies and melodies.

Its just crazy. Its just my life. Thought I would share that with you. xD

The Very Last Time - Chapter 2

2008-07-09T01:48:00.003+03:00

I couldn't sleep tonight, and when trying to get myself to sleep, I started crying, yet again. There are these times every so often where I just cry myself dry, until there are no more tears left to cry. Better to get it out than keeping it in, but what if you cant get all your feelings out?

So Ive decided to write this, since I don't get sleepy until about 3 am, and its just about 1am now.

Tonight, this pit in my stomach wouldn't go away. I knew that I had to go visit my Dad's family some time, but I was hoping it wouldn't be any time this summer. To have to see my family's house in India, without my dad lying on his bed watching TV with all his belongings spread all over the bed ... well, just thinking about it makes me tear.

For the past three and half years (almost 4 this September) my dad spent his time in that house, not being able to leave, not being able to eat, not being able to do anything he wanted. He became a part of that house, and quite frankly, that house is nothing to me without him.

I kept remembering the last time I spoke to him. Saturday, 19th January 2008. I was the last person to speak to him, from the family any way. I felt honored, proud, that he spoke to me last. But I keep remembering his shaking hands holding mine saying "Darling, I cant walk anymore. Im weak" and I kept replying "Its okay Dada, you will be fine, just another week or so and you will be out, and Ill be waiting for you."

I didn't know what else to say to him. What else could you say to the once strongest person you knew who was bed ridden and being fed with a drip? Anyway, it was an improvement from the night before, where all I did when I saw him was cry.
I cried and cried.
And unfortunately, I still keep doing that. And I don't really see any end to it...

At one point, I thought I had cried so much, that my eyes were a desert, with no more water, no more tears.
Im going to try and go to sleep but now, I feel like, the tears wont stop. God, please stop flooding my eyes. If you are listening, stop doing this to me - does anyone deserve this?

God, please stop. I beg you.

The Word "Hate".

2008-07-08T14:50:00.001+03:00

You know what I hate? Probably not.

I hate people who say "Don't use the word hate, it's a strong word!". Seriously. That must be my epitome of hatred. I mean, don't tell me not to convey my emotions with words you morons. (sorry.)

But then people use words like nigger and b*t*c all the time, and no one seems to have a problem with that. Well, if I feel like using the word "hate", I think I will kthnxbai. If I have an opinion, I like to voice it.

People say things like "I'm starving" - because thats not big deal right? There are children who don't eat for days at a time all over the darn world. And here we are. Complaining if we haven't had time for breakfast because we were late for school. Must be hard for us poor kids. Imagine not being able to eat breakfast. Once.

Others say "I'm like soooo totally going to die." Gees, I promise you, it's nothing to be asking for. I guess it's not problem using "I'm soo going to die!" when you're having a hard time - like a math test, or doing something embaressing at school which people will talk about for 2 days then forget totally. What a calamity. A catastrophe even. I pity you.

People die tragic deaths on a daily basis, after years of suffering or in car accidents, leaving families devastated for the rest of their lives. Consider this, you ignorant pieces of disguist: Those people will never be the same again. NEVER! People who have had to be in the heart of death have gone through pain and suffering and here WE are, using these terms lightly.

So. The next time you are about to tell someone not to say something-or-the-other, FIRST think about what tumbles out of your mouth.

Moral of the story: Dont tick me off. xD

An Unconcievable Truth xP

2008-07-06T14:25:00.002+03:00

Seeing him just lie there with closed eyes, mouth slightly parted as though we was about to smile, head tilted to the side, was the most disconcerting sight that I had seen. It was as though he was sleeping. The woman has specifically told me not to make a noise, there were others around, but I didn't care. What did it matter? I had lost something I could never find again, I had lost what I fought so hard to keep, I had lost something that was a part of me.

I took his limp hand, my own body shaking, and kissed it. I didn't want to leave. I promised him I would stay put at least until he got better. I promised. And I was going to keep my promise - though he had not kept his.

-----
School was starting again in two days, Mum wanted me to come home. Ofcourse she did - it was for my best. School is always important - this time though, it didn't take priority. My intuition pressed me to stay there, and not leave - Not for a while atleast. I begged and pleaded and screamed at my mother to allow me to stay a few more days and explained that school was insignificant. Consequently, she talked to my cousin (a doctor), coming to the conclusion that it was best for me to stay put until the time was right .As it turned out... if I hadnt stayed I may have regretted it for the rest of my life.

I made a promise and I wasnt going to leave, not for school, not for my friends, not for the world. I wanted to be there for him. I wouldn't leave, not now. I knew that my presence meant a lot to him - he wanted me there. I say this with no vanity, it is simply a fact.

I promised to stay in India until my father got out of hospital. And eventually; he did get out of hospital. As a matter of fact, only two days later he left the hospital . And he left, dead.

(think about it. Written by me, with some snippets from my life. More to come.)

The Melodies of a Girl || &

2008-07-06T14:24:00.002+03:00

What does all this juurble mean?

"

mel•o•dy

mel-uh-dee
–noun, plural -dies.

1.musical sounds in agreeable succession or arrangement.

2.Music.
a.the succession of single tones in musical compositions, as distinguished
from harmony and rhythm.
b.the principal part in a harmonic composition; the air. a rhythmical succession of single tones producing a distinct musical phrase or idea.

3. a poem suitable for singing. intonation, as of a segment of connected speech."

Well actually, when starting, I wanted a haven for my Rant-Mobile which was breaking all speed barriers at the time.
This blog was created with the purpose of being somewhere for me to right my thoughts, as I have recently succumbed to driving my friends nuts. So instead, i will drive the world of lifeless sad internet bloggers mad .

My name is... call me Melody, Pat, or I dont care, anything that blows you trumpet. Ew. ( I am perverted btw ^_^) Comments are appreciated. This blog was supposed to start like 3 months ago, but with exams and what not, I couldnot. My apologies to Esha, who has been pestering for god-knows-how-long to start the blog.

Music is my life.Read, click, be amazed and bookmark.This might blossom into something beautiful. Who knows?

Testing Blog Post

2008-07-06T14:22:00.003+03:00

This post is here currently for me to test.

So quite frankly, I dont care what you think =). It's just a layout tester, until I get my exams over with, THEN i can concentrate on my blog.